In 2019 I began to be able to present. After years of debilitating anxiety I’d finally healed enough that I could show up at work, out with my friends, doing my hobbies, and at my workouts in a mindset that wasn’t consumed with thoughts of, “ok, how long can I stay before my heart starts racing uncontrollably and I have to leave and be embarrassed?” Being able to be mentally present for the people and activities I enjoy and the responsibilities required of me was invigorating. I began to actually observe myself being in the moment as though I had a bird’s eye view or out of body view of myself. And, the joy this brings me is indescribable! Observing myself being in the moment is both fascinating and freeing for me. It gives me the ability to measure and solidify the progress I’m making towards being the unbothered happy person I want to be. It untethers me from the falsely perceived notion that I have to worry to be valuable.
In my meditation this morning I was exploring my empathetic ability. My goal for this part of my nature is to instruct it and inform it and educate it in order that it might be a blessing to me and not a curse or vexation that creates an unbearable emotional burden. If you are an empath or an empathetic person you can identify with the exhaustion that can come with this if you don’t stay in balance and honor your boundaries.
As I meditated, my mind open and free from thought the word, “past” came to me and I instantly understood a new direction unfolding for me concerning practicing presence. You see our presence is multi-layered. We can be physically present but our minds far away. Sometimes we can be physically present and somewhat mentally present as well but still be distracted. Our minds kind of tune in and out and away from what is important in the moment and so we miss out on the energy of that moment. And, like myself, for those of you who suffer from panic disorder or some other anxiety disorder, you might find yourself being able to be present without panic. Which is nice even if it’s that’s all we can experience! But, what about our past? What about the negative experiences that have shaped us? Are we bringing that with us? I am. And it colors every moment. The moments I am now enjoying with a new freedom from anxiety are still nuanced by hurt.
If you are an empathic person you probably realize you have keen intuition. Others probably sense this about you as well. As an empath, intuition is one of our greatest gifts. It’s a wonderful tool. It’s like an enhanced compass that can benefit not only ourselves but those we care about. But, it’s true ability is only realized when we can be present in the moment from a place that is not filled with the wounds of our past.
I had to ask myself this question. “Is my present moment being dictated from the wounds of my past?” The answer to this was quite revealing. The truth is, yes. For example, I am aware that when I am speaking with men I feel a deep sense of skepticism and distrust just below the surface of my awareness. I know this is because from childhood thru adulthood I was frequently wounded due to the actions/inactions of men. But, can I really allow this to color my every interaction with every man I am around? No. It keeps me from being the best version of myself and it hinders my ability to serve my fellow humans in all the ways that I feel called.
I’ve talked quite a bit about symbolism and primordial imagery in my writings. As my eyes were closed and I was listening to some frequencies for my meditation the image of the ocean lapping onto some sand came into my mind’s eye. I recalled that during my times at the beach watching the waves wash in and out I could always see a sinking imprint of the water into the sand after it had gone back out to sea. In other words while the water had receded there was still a trace of it that remained to sink into the sand and that is what kept the sand wet though not completely submersed. That is what our moments of presence are like when they are still being colored by the past. We may not be completely under water but there remains this constant lapping of an imprint that is ever sinking into the depths of our moments.
Maybe for you it’s not anxiety, or the past that color the moments when you’d like to be present or are required to be present. Maybe it’s something else altogether. Whatever it may be I encourage you to get in touch with yourself. Delve through the layers that are you as though you’ve just opened a secret door to a mysterious and endless vault of treasure. See what are the first things you’re able to grab ahold of when the door of you opens and work with that. You never know the discoveries that can be made that will unlock greater levels of freedom and happiness.
The Catalyst 
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