Sitting here in the dark, dimly lit bedroom I’ll soon never sleep in again. I’ve spent the last 20 minutes sitting with my chunky headphones on listening to, “Return to Innocence” by Enigma on repeat and watching Talia sleep. I’m still processing the last 24 hours when she became suddenly blind. If the past 3 years have taught me anything it is to slow down and spend prolonged time taking in the people, animals, and good memories made.
I stink, I’m sweaty and not even gonna shower before I fall asleep. But, my Talia…she’s blind. And, now I finally realize and regret my own blindness. I’ve allowed everything and everyone to get in the way of me living my life in a more rooted way. A more earthy way. That’s all we really have you know?
A few years ago I read a web article about pet euthanasia. The majority of pets who experience euthanasia do so in the company of the techs and vet and staff because it’s so hurtful to see your fur baby/child to transition in front of you. And, that was absolutely my mindset. But, a few techs and vets weighed in and offered an alternative perspective on pet euthanasia. They all stated that while they completely understand why pet owners don’t want to be there to witness the event and that they will always respect people’s grief process, they long to see more pet owners be present. Pets have a very small circle of family and friends. In the short span of their lives they will live in a home with family and friends who come and go. So they may only know maybe 10 people give or take for their entire lives. They never get a break from us, haha. But, the thing is they never feel smothered and if it was possible they would stay within our shadow and by our sides every single second for a millenia. Their love and devotion is bottomless, untiring, ever cheerful, ever patient, ever thrilled to hear our voice, see our face, smell our scent. Whether it’s the first time they sniff you or the millionth time their enthusiasm never diminishes or fades, it only brings their hearts that much closer to ours. They only ever love us more every day they’re alive.
When I read this a light went off. Talia loves me with everything in her. You can literally feel her love energy. And while I am her #1 favorite human she’s like this about any human she’s ever met. Instantly warm, curious, and gentle hoping for some affection and a new friendship. She has never been scared of anything. Loud sounds, thunder storms, shrieks of little ones playing or crying.
In fact when it thunderstorms sometimes she and I go out on the porch and I sit her in my lap and we watch the lightning and feel the rain spray in gently and coolly upon our bodies and faces. When it lightnings I can see the spray on her fur and it looks like dew.
She intently looked up at the sky and followed the lightning streaks with her eyes. Sniffing the wind occasionally for some wild scents. Never flinching, squirming, or tense. Relaxed, intrigued, longing to see what it would feel like up in the sky above her. She is such a brave old girl. Car rides? She loves them. Going for a walk on a leash? Yes, please.
My constant companion whom has shown me much greater and deeper love than the majority of humans who have been in my life.
Because of this I resolved that when the day comes if I am able to have any forewarning of her passing I will hold her in my arms and sing her her favorite lullabys. I’ve reworded I don’t know how many songs to include her name and take her beautiful gentle life into adventure stories, sleepy time songs, and of course my doting love songs over my precious cat. I will stay by her side just like she has mine. My arms, hands, scent and voice, touch, body warmth and love….as much love as any human could ever possibly hold…my love for her will be the last experience she has here. She never left my side and I’ll never leave hers either. Ever. I’ll be holding her and kissing her little knobby head and singing to her until she’s in the arms of the angels.
Her gentleness is like her own cottony fur. So tender and soft you can hardly even feel it touching your skin. She’s so tiny. At the time of this writing she weighs about 6 lbs. She’s a bit underweight even though she’s small. I’m not entirely sure what breeds she’s made from but she has a tortoise siamese colored coat and deep, dark blue eyes (that now look a bit purple in her blindness). And she’s very short, low to the ground, haha. And her little tail is short. She’s built like a munchkin but has the coat and eyes of a Siamese.
Her little multi-colored paws look like they are ringed in caramel. And she loves belly rubs. And 99% of the time doesn’t attack my hand. That 1% though….she’s got a streak. I guess if she didn’t she wouldn’t have been able to put up with mine and Margo Holder s crap all these years, hahaha. Margo often says that Talia is her spirit animal and believe me when I say, she is not wrong.
At any rate, beyond all of this the last 24 hours of her going suddenly completely blind has opened my eyes to something I’ve decided I want to do that will likely seem odd to more people than not. But, that’s how I roll anyway.
I have deep regrets about not spending as much time with my family and friends as I’d like to. I’ve allowed life to get in the way. And if I allow life to be a stumbling block…what will that mean at death?
For many years now I’ve casually researched death doulas. Most people don’t even know what a doula is much less a death doula. Now, I’m not saying I want to be or am going to be a death doula by profession. But, there are some facets of their work that I am going to implement where it’s appropriate and of course permissible.
I have decided that I want my heart to break wide open and hold my family and friends in my arms as they transition so that it is my hands, my arms, my energy, my truest and deepest love for them to be what they are enveloped in as they transition.
I’ve always been a lover. A hugger…to the point of extreme and strange awkwardness.
But, how can I apologize for that? And, for what reason should I reign it in? Covid-19 wiped millions of people off this planet in the blink of an eye comparatively speaking. And, not just Covid, but wars, disasters, political rhetoric that has risen to the point that brother is against brother. I long for the day to see field upon field joined to pastures and woodlands filled with a great many more plowshares. As it is, sheaths clamor and tremble longing for the bloodied blades to return again for fear of being found guilty before God as being accomplices.
Blood is crying out from the ground but we can’t hear it because the main stream has become the main scream and their volume has driven us to deafness. Our ears dull and listening unskilled. Our mouths boastful, arrogant and insisting on our own rights, or beliefs to be looked at as the pinnacle of truth even if it means the death of another human who doesn’t agree.
No. This world isn’t for me. So, from this point forward I’m going my own way. I’m about to do everything in my life the weirdest and most unconventional way as possible.
Life is valuable. It is precious. Sacred. Holy in its own right. How could I betray it by living anything less than 1000% authentically to who I am, to what my level and intensity of love is like, to cleave to my own philosophies formed circumspectly and carefully? How could I ever be ok with exchanging even the weirdest things about me in lieu of making myself more acceptable? Life is too short for that. It’s too brilliantly faceted for that. I am committed to being my different self no matter what that looks like or who it may trouble. Doing death differently…addressing the deeper, intangible components of dying and watching life transform as its vehicle weakens…is when you know you’re a catalyst and have just changed your own trajectory. Forever. I will never be the same after these last 3 years and it took my dear Talia’s blindness to open my eyes to the truth that it is in fact how life should be lived so that when we settle into the arms of death we will embrace it regretless and with the sense of an old dear friend who has come to pay a visit.
I am different. Unto death.
My desire is to be the most open, accepting, loving, heart-centered person you know. And, if I can be that then don’t thank me or give me any accolades. Thank Margo Holder, my mamaw, my nieces and nephews, my parents, my brothers, and my intimate friends. Because it is them who have shaped me and shown me how weird love is, how unconditional it can feel, and the powerful relief it offers when you’re in the worst pain of your life. We aren’t perfect. None of us are. And far be it from me to close my mind and heart to this human experience.
We are all walking miracles. Our pets included.
The Catalyst 
Leave a comment