Forward

I want to take my poetry world wide. I want to do book tours all over the globe and have opportunities to share my poetry on every continent. It’s all I think about these days. It is “the” hope that I hang on to. I envision a life where I can live my life….by living MY life. Not a corporate life, not a 1099 contractor life, not the typical American life.

I am not college educated unfortunately. I may eventually have a bachelor’s in psychology. But, beyond that because of my age and the fact that I am tapped out on student loan availability, it is highly unlikely I’ll have that accomplishment and the wage that a degree can ensure. I am almost 44. Child free and overweight as of right now. I have a fiancé. But, I’m not truly confident because I feel very insecure and even though I’ve told him how I need to be loved neither of us are confident he will be able to do that.

I am desperate to be financially independent. No degree, no 2nd income in my household. I feel hopeless. I feel afraid because I don’t have anything that can secure my future. If I stay in America I am bound to the wages of a high school graduate and I cannot work for myself doing real estate anymore because the toll it has taken on my mental health has..in many ways destroyed me. Even as I type this I am simultaneously worrying (which is work) about bizarre transactions and how to control the chaos and not be chewed out or threatened.

I’m tired but I have to be able to depend on my body to earn money according to the obligations and interests of someone with more money than myself. Dictates my chronically ill body is getting more difficult to fulfill as I age. Can anyone else out there relate to me? I feel alone.

My greatest gift, my greatest resource is my mind and my writing ability. It’s the one thing in this life I have that could potentially position me for security. I am tired of living under fear of eviction. I need more than I am able to physically produce. I need more than the wage of a high school graduate.

I have done all I can. Truly. All I can do now is keep writing, thinking, writing, thinking and pray that when I look up again my world will have changed and I will have a husband who burns to love me exactly the way I need. A man who promote my relaxation, security, and peace and not take it all away or even contribute to those things to begin with.

So, here I am on my free WordPress account. Typing out my thoughts, my woes, my poetry, my points. It is my form of preparation so that when opportunity arrives hopefully my one hope to be so famous as a writer and thinker that it can sustain me financially.

Right now I have a book I have finished. I have an appointment with an editor on Tuesday. Right now because I am on my cycle and my body hurts all over and I am so exhausted I feel doubtful it will end up betting published because I don’t know how to publish. I’ve tried to learn about and have played around on Kindle. But, I am seriously not smart when it comes to technology and formatting my writing.

I believe, ultimately, I am going forward. It’s just hard when my body feels the way it does.

My hope as I end 2022 is that in 2023 my fiancé can love me the way I need, my book will be published in both the USA and India, and that I will finally come into financial security. Do I want to be rich? Very much. Because I am so tired of being poor. I can hardly afford being a single woman with a cat and I am VERY low maintenance. I get my hair done. That’s it. No nails, lashes, Botox, shoe obsession, purse obsession, jewelry obsession, perfume, makeup….you get the picture. I drive my cousin’s car because I lost mine due to gas prices several months ago.

I need out. The only way out is if I can write my way. I will give it all I’ve got. I am so ready for 2022 to be over. I need next year to be my year. I need it. I want it for me and my cat and my cousin. By the end of the year or at least early next year I plan on resigning my real estate license. I would rather work at a gas station then look at or talk about real estate, houses, or contracts ever again. It’s a toxic industry. I’ve missed years upon years of family events, fun with friends and for what? For people who treat me unkindly and for a career that hasn’t allowed me a non-working vacation since 2011? Sorry. But, I’m saying it. FUCK that shit. FUCK it. It’s not me and I’m at the end of my rope with it. I’m done. I cannot wait to change my phone number. I cannot wait to delete my email address or cancel it or whatever. I can’t wait to announce on my social media that I am no longer in the industry. I can’t wait to be me. I can’t wait to feel free. I can’t wait to move out of this area and hopefully out of the country, at least for a while.

I have my eye on India. Whether me and my fiancé work out or not I plan on spending some months there in peace and quiet and not be fucking bothered by real estate or people who wish to drain my energy period. I need a fresh start. And I may be broke. But, I will start fresh even if I am broke. I’m not stopping, hesitating, or halting. I am done.

So, as I lay here I have no idea who will read this. If anyone will read this. But, anyway, here I am. And there…I will be.

Cheers,

Cozett