Naked In The Wake Of The Reaper: Reflection On The Emotions Of Moving Forward While Mourning

Navigating forward through grief to get back into daily routine feels like crawling through a briar patch. Trying to present yourself to the world as grounded as one possibly can be 35 days from something that was so dark and complicated and even macabre can feel unfair. inauthentic. I’m calm, kind, productive, caring, sensitive, and…trying. But, there is an inherent awkwardness in this space. It’s like being in public naked but trying not to “feel” like you’re naked. Being naked but trying to obscure the more offensive parts of yourself so that you don’t end up incurring the misunderstanding or discomfort of others. As a trauma survivor and an empath who is doubly sensitized from trauma the discomfort of others….feels dehumanizing to me.

I never could have anticipated the tangled mess of absolutely contrasting emotions that would arise from my mother’s death. And this bothers me because I’ve always been able to anticipate my own emotions. It’s kept me safe since the age of 4.

35 days….and I feel as vulnerable as a 35 days old human. There is a strange rebirth of me that has happened since she died. A new me that is washing in piece by piece with the tides of this new chapter.

This part of my life has started but I never got to have an intermission. There is a scene change that I never got to get dressed for. I’m a new character who didn’t get to see the script before it was show time. Yet, now is not the time to improvise. Now is the time to acknowledge that my own curtain call is coming. What happens between then & now is critically important if I’m to leave the world stage with a standing “O” rather than have rotten tomatoes thrown at my funeral.

I’m still covered in the dew of death. Naked in the wake of the reaper. As I watch him go all I hear are the words, “break a leg.”

July 20, 2023 0

Grief And Poetry

Grief is one emotion that I’m finding doesn’t play fair with me.

As a childhood trauma survivor I learned so early how to anticipate what emotions I might feel as I was constantly being wounded. Being able to anticipate the emotions I was able to brace and steady myself before they hit me and so I could anchor myself for the myriad of storms.

I’m the kind of person (like many of you) who has mastered the art of a calm exterior while unspeakable things rage inside me that no one ever picks up on.

But, with grief…..and mourning it hits me before I can feel it coming. When this happens I feel instantly disoriented because I’m struggling to behave appropriate to my setting. I feel disappointed because I “should” have been prepared before the tears started falling. It makes me feel like I’m losing control of my general state of poise and that scares me because it makes me feel like I myself am closer to death.

This inability to perceive the approaching waves of grief feels like it underscores one of the painful features of mid-life and that is that we don’t live forever and we are half way over even if our legacy lives on.

There is an inherent weakness against the battery of grief emotions and that makes me feel easily surmountable and dangerously exposed to emotional elements I’ve been able to protect myself from since I was a child. It forces me to see that I am aging.

I am not my surest fortress for the first time and that scares the hell out of me.

My place of refuge these days has been the tender & patient presence of my friends and family. Their unrelenting patience & presence to me is deeply humbling. And even that forces me deeper into my shadow and causes me to review whether I have been as available and as present. It’s hard to admit dependence on another human for sustenance (here in American culture anyway). There is an element of shame that comes with it. And shame is something that can get you disenfranchised quick. When you’re already struggling to stay established it makes it all the more horrifying.

These emotions run deep & I have no choice but to be committed to the process of tending a wound that will never go away I think. It’s going to weep for a long, long time. And like all wounds it will be subject to infection should I sustain more losses in the near future. The energy it will take just to manage it so it doesn’t get worse is more than I have.

Because of this I find myself in succumb. I have no brute strength of will to stave off any more pain or difficulty.

I feel like a lone wounded animal on an open Sahara. At some point the pack or the herd will have to move on and I’ll have to hold on to the moments of gratitude for how long they stayed until their own survival needs moved them on from me.

Poetry I suppose will be my last stand.

July 16, 2023 0

Culture Cocoon: Metamorphical Grief

I want to be in #turkiye, #india, or #dubai right now. Curled up in a hotel bed while the sounds of mosques and temples whirl around in the air outside my window as I write poetry. That’s all. That’s all I’m asking.

I am longing for the other side of the planet 🥺

Tomorrow will be 30 days since my mother passed and I still don’t feel like myself. I just want the space and the distance and the cradle of a new culture to comfort me as I immerse myself into an abysmal depth of poetry writing, shadow work, reflection, and introspection. The cocoon is of course an unfamiliar place to the caterpillar. It is foreign. And just as the caterpillar emerges from the alien place of cocoon so I want to melt inside some foreign landscape until my transformation is complete and I’m ready for a new journey with a new physicality. I want so desperately to go from crawling to flying.

Sadness is a universal language. It is understood with the eyes & felt with the heart. Whether the language is Turkce, Punjab, or Arabic a great deal of communication & connection can take place without ever speaking the first word when it comes to this common rite of passage of all humanity.

My mother….she is now….away. And, I want to be as well.

I want away….from here. I need….to be there. Not here. And, I suspect even this simple need is yet another mirror…..

Love, Cozett

July 14, 2023 0

Sleep Trauma And Resolution: Shadow Work For The Shadowscape

Lack of sleep has been a growing crisis. Globally, since the 1970’s there has been a sharp decline in quality and duration of sleep. And, if you’re located in the U.S., the U.K., or Japan you are even less likely to be able to obtain more than 6 hours of sleep per night.

Sleep deprivation has been a factor in some of the planet’s greatest disasters. The nuclear disaster at Three Mile Island in 1979, the nuclear meltdown of Chernobyl in 1986, and the massive Exxon Valdez oil spill all had at the center of the incident…sleep deprived humans. (https://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/features/10-results-sleep-loss). So, why don’t we hear about that? There is a consensus amongst sleep scientists that citizens of capitalistic cultures are more prone to miss out on sleep due to the productivity demands of their jobs. Additionally, capitalistic cultures are known for “sleep machismo.” The old, “sleep when you’re dead” adage stems from this culture. Capitalism depends on 2 things: productivity and consumerism. When someone is sleeping…neither of those things are happening. And, so we find ourselves traumatized, and feeling guilty for this very necessary need. Now we even know that there are different sleep chronotypes and that we don’t get to choose whether we are a morning person or a night owl! So much has been discovered about the necessity, benefits, and genetic dispositions about sleep! But, it seems since most of us are sleep deprived and zombified we aren’t getting the education we need to experience better sleep. Our minds are numbed out and we are losing touch with the voice of our biological rhythms.

Because I had a childhood filled with frequent trauma, one way that my precious mamaw cared for me was by protecting my sleep. She knew if I was asleep I was healing from the stress and pain that constantly swirled around me. She knew if I was asleep, I was safe, and I was comfortable. However, all of this changed at the age of 18 for me. I graduated high school and moved to a larger city where I met my now, ex-husband. In retrospect I now understand that he was the morning person chronotype. But, for seventeen years I was railed at because I couldn’t get up early and hold an 8 am to 5 pm job. He constantly berated me and called me lazy even though I could wake up and work 12 pm to 12 am and essentially put in more hours than he did. Because I couldn’t wake when he did he felt I lacked ambition and motivation and wasn’t pulling my weight for our financial well-being. I want to note here that it was me, all on my own, who bought our first house, it was me who paid off his truck early, it was me who worked a full-time job, a side job, and did public speaking twice a week. All of this was simply because I couldn’t wake up early and he could.

I thought perhaps once I left him that I would finally be able to sleep without fear of being berated or criticized. But, after seventeen years a neural circuit had definitely formed. As I write this I’m struggling with the idea of going to bed (I left him 7 years ago and I’m still struggling with fear). I’ve been in therapy and doing neural integration for 5 years now and I’ve healed so much more than I ever thought I could. And now I’m finally to a place where I can focus on my sleep.

As my mind has pondered going to bed I’ve noticed a pattern with myself. I always feel this last minute “push” of sorts to work and not allow myself to get drowsy when it comes time for bed. So tonight I’ve decided to sit with the feeling rather and ask it questions rather than get up and go on a cleaning spree or “crank out” content. This is content I guess, but it’s also a journal entry, a therapeutic release that I hope will help me…go to bed and fall asleep.

As I’ve focused on this feeling of doing trying to push myself when it gets bedtime I’ve been able to hone in on the specific motivation behind the feeling and that is the motivation to feel…resolve. I need to feel I’ve resolved problems before I allow myself to get totally still. I find myself thinking, “there’s at least one more thing I need to do or think through before I call it a day.” Yet I lie in bed and try to solve problems until I at some incoherent point switch off. But, even then I feel like I’m too aware. Like I’m not totally asleep. I’m still somewhat alert.

My goal is to work on this need to be alert. This need to find resolve. Maybe this is what you need to?

All I know is that I’m not alone. I know that 6 hours or less is NOT enough for my body and mind. I am so ready to recondition myself. I am ready for a sleep revolution.

What about you?

Yours in the dreamscape,

Cozett

April 6, 2023 0

Cozett Contemplates: The Energy Of Opportunity

Cozett Contemplates the energy of opportunity

What do you think of when you hear the word, “opportunity”?

Opportunity has to do with potential. And, potential has to do with pre-manifestation frequencies.

Whether you realize it or not you and everyone in your life is consistently manifesting something. We are all manifesting connections, people, situations, relationships…and opportunities.

Depending on whether you are in alignment with your soul’s calling you may or may not be manifesting opportunities that lead you one step CLOSER to the highest version of yourself. The richer version of you. The healthier and happier version of you. The more at peace version of yourself.

This is where logic tripped me up. For nearly all of my life I consistently put my heart on the back burner and followed logic alone. I believed that my heart was “wishy-washy” and couldn’t be trusted. That is what I was taught. Now I see what a horrifying travesty that teaching is. It is an actual and literal betrayal of your soul. If you’re a Christian…that soul is one that Jesus died to redeem. For many years I heard it preached that “the heart is deceptive.” Yes, there is a bible verse that says this…but because Jesus came to show us a better way….I will not reference it. I won’t reference it because I’d rather you focus on the work of Jesus than the condemnation of old testament theology.

My struggle for years was, “if Jesus gave me a new heart then why am I not allowed to trust it? Would he create something brand new in me if it were not of quality workmanship? Given to me in such seriousness so as to be willing to DIE and be executed and misunderstood for my new heart only for HIS preachers to keep preaching that it’s ugly, sinful, untrustworthy, and fickle?”

No, my friends. This is not the way. There is a better way. And that way is the way of your heart. Because of this kind of stuff I no longer identify as fundamental or conservative. And because of this detachment to brute thinking I have healed and become more vibrant than I have ever been at any point in my life thus far. So, now that I have addressed the religious perspective I’m going to move on to a point that is more comprehensive and inclusive. I write so that I can “feel with” atheists, religious folks, spiritual folks, and everyone in between. Why? Because….I am everyone in between. I’ll save that concept for another post! ha ha

EVERY opportunity that will ever come your way carries its own unique energetic signature. And it is that frequency, that signature that you should learn to pay attention to rather than just the “trappings” that the opportunity comes dressed in. There is ALWAYS more than meets the eye. That applies to people, places and things.

Here’s what I mean. Over the course of my adult life I’ve owned and operated multiple businesses at once. I am multi-passionate. And because of that I call myself a “multipreneur.” I have learned some great lessons from being this kind of business owner that I want to pass on to you because I want you to have the ability to read the energy of the opportunities that come your way so you can identify which ones to seize and which ones to pass on. This is so important when it comes to coming into alignment with your dreams. Your callings.

Lesson #1- If you reject opportunities that appeal to your heart but not your mind and are consistently led by logic you are sending a message out into the atmosphere that you would “rather betray your heart and not listen to your conscience and that following what you “should” do is more important than following what you “know” to do.” Essentially you are opening yourself to more opportunities to betray yourself and your emotions and your purpose. Sit with that. Is that ok with you?

Lesson #2- The head is more deceptive than the heart could ever be. Our heads are filled on a daily basis with what? Social media images that tell us our bodies aren’t good enough, our beauty isn’t vibrant enough, our favorite politicians are taking a beating, our religions are so persecuted, our vehicles aren’t nice enough, and so we become programmed. Our minds become programmed. Not our hearts. Our hearts hold an eternal knowing that cannot be diminished or layered over enough so as to cover up the truth of our calling, our paths, our purpose. Unless of course we refuse this knowing. Then it will lie dormant and any potential you would have otherwise had is for nothing because you spent your life following a programmed mind rather than the innocent and pure knowing of your heart.

Lesson #3- Saying yes to our heads and no to our hearts sends the message that our heart’s desires are of no value and so we keep receiving opportunities that lead us away from our soul’s calling.

For many years I turned down the volume on the voice of my heart. I focused on work that seemed to be, “the only logically good decision.” The decision that I knew my family would prefer I make. The decision that logically looked like it would bring in more money. Logic deals with surface things. Not deep things. If you want to live a life that is shallow, by all means, go for the surface stuff. But, if you want a life that is cultivated, richly deep and satisfying…the only way is the way of your heart.

By following logic and betraying my heart I was out of alignment with my life’s purpose. My physical and mental health suffered greatly. At almost 44 years of age I am just now recovering from the health disasters of following a logic-based lifestyle. I DO NOT want you to make the same mistake.

Because of the pain that FORCED me out of my firmly held place in logic I had no choice but to turn and “try out the desires of my heart.” I began to “FEEL” the opportunities rather than assess them based on logic alone. I would sit with an opportunity that logically didn’t make sense but that emotionally lined up with my passions. For me those things have been travel (Sovereign Travel by Cozett, http://cozettdunn.inteletravel.com healthier living (Sovereign Beauty http://www.crunchi.com/cozettdunn, and writing (Cozett Contemplates https://www.facebook.com/chatttownpoet. Who makes money doing those things?? Answer: the person who is passionate about them!! This girl!!

2023 for me is, “the year of the yes.” I will say yes to my heart more this year than I have in all the other years of my life combined. Can you imagine the adventure in that?? That is wild!! It’s gonna feel good and I am going to feel good! This is my intention. This is my path. And, I hope that as you’ve read this heart-centered post that it has created a courage in you that perhaps you never believed you could have. I hope when this messages finds you that it is YOUR catalyst to living the life of your dreams. I hope that it will be the springboard into a life that is healthier, wealthier, and more satisfying than you could have imagined you could have and definitely more than what you’ve experienced up to this point in your journey.

I hope this year will be “the year of the yes” for your heart and that all your WILDEST dreams come true.

I love you. I really do.

Cozett Dunn

#cozettcontemplates #yourbestlifenow #DontMakeThisMistake #followyourheart #energeticshift #opportunity #morethanmeetstheeye

January 11, 2023 0

Your expansion is the goal of the Universe.

What I’m about to tell you will hopefully yield many “aha” moments for you. My hope for this post is that it will make certain things, “click” for you in your pursuit of understanding yourself and your situations better.

The cosmos, our universe is like an etheric womb. It consists of many dimensions, materials found on earth and not on earth. Outside of our atmosphere certain laws that keep life as we know it going no longer exist. Gravity being one of those things. The universe is weird and wild place once you break through the atmosphere of earth. We imagine it contains “alien life” or various cosmic races. It is the inspiration for doomsday movies, extraterrestrial thrillers, scientific documentaries, poetry, art, and our imaginations simply run wild when we think about “what could be out there.”

But, one thing is imperative when it comes to our understanding of the universe. If we know nothing else, we need to understand this. And, that is that the universe is expanding. There is so much we don’t know about it. But, one thing is for sure regardless of what it contains it is STILL making space. That is it’s nature. It is ontologically expanding. If I could describe the universe in just a few words, I would call it the, “eternal now.”

Our most current scientific measurements about the rate of it’s expansion is mind-blowing. Wanna know how fast this cosmic womb is expanding?? It is expanding at about 45 miles per second. Sit with that. What does that mean? What are the implications of that for such a finite being as yourself? What is the implication of this expansion in light of your life? Your perspective? Your understanding of the people and world around you? Are you expanding? If you’re not….you should be. If you’re not….you’re really just resisting something that is inevitable. Whether you like it or not the expansion of the universe has a direct influence on everything about you. If you are someone who doesn’t like change this message will likely be met with resistance and a daunting feeling. If you are a person who thrives on change, an adventure junkie or are into personal growth this may just be the messaged you needed to hear!

Now, I want you to think about your contrasts. Your challenges. Get them clear in the forefront of your mind before you continue reading.

Ready?

Let’s talk about the age old question that every human who has ever walked this planet has asked at one point in their existence. “Why?” “Why me?” “Why this?

If you follow any inspirational figures at all, whether they are a preacher from some sort of religion like Christianity, Islam or Judaism, or maybe they’re Hindu, or maybe they are pagan or just generally spiritually inclined, or maybe they are atheists and look at life with a singular view that is influenced by personal growth in general, outside the bounds of God or spirituality. The point here is that regardless of their contexts one message rings true from every single one of them. And, that is this. “Challenges have the potential to grow you. They have the potential to make you stronger. They can be stepping stones to increased potential and capacity.” That’s it. That’s the message. It doesn’t matter from whose mouth it comes or from what spiritual or non-spiritual context that mouth speaks from. The message is true and it is ONE thing we can ALL agree on.

So, challenges expand us. They create capacity within the space of our character, our emotions, our knowledge, our understanding, our relationships, and our overall health.

The universe will never stop expanding. It can’t even if it wanted to. As you read this the universe has already created NEW SPACE…and whether you realize it or not…part of that space is found in you. In the seconds you are reading this post.

On the path of its expansion it is unapologetic and it’s not taking any prisoners. It is unstoppable, unyielding, hurdling into its own expansion with every second that ticks by. With every blink of your eye it becomes larger.

You are part of this universe. You cannot escape it. It cannot escape you. It is part of and responsible for the essence of your being. You are energy. The first law of thermodynamics states that, “energy cannot be created or destroyed. It can only be transformed from one form to another.” In light of this you also…are the “eternal now.”

Let’s narrow our focus. Still have your challenges in mind? Good. Have you ever asked, “why me” concerning your challenges? Of course you have. Particularly if your challenges have been unfair, mysterious, repeating or chronic you have asked this question.

The universe, in it’s expansion, is not focused on any challenges. It is focused on expanding at all costs and according to it’s own pace. And because you are part of this universe you are being forced to expand. Expansion looks and feels a little different to a finite human than it does to the cosmos. Because our physical bodies are finite but our essence, our energy is not, there is an inherent contrast that we will face every moment we are in this body. It is a dichotomy. You are a walking contrast because your skin silhouette that is temporary is influenced and animated by an eternal nature. Once you shuck off the body your energy doesn’t cease because it cannot. Because of this….life as we know it can be painful.

Living in this divine contrast is oxymoronic. The eternal now flows through your temporary experience. And, this fact necessitates, precipitates and facilitates the expansion of…you.

What I want you to do once you are finished reading this is to get still, get quiet, close your eyes and regardless of any fear or misgivings you may have, I want you to bring your challenges to the front and center of your conscious awareness. Maybe your challenge is weight loss, or addiction, or chronic pain, or mental health issues, family issues, financial problems, relationship problems, etc. Bring one of those things to the front of your mind and ask yourself, “what does my weight loss challenge feel like in the amount of space it takes up within this rapidly expanding universe?” Energy takes up space. We all have a measurable magnetic field in which our energy extends. The energy of our heart can be measured 3 ft from the outside of our chest. This is why many of us get uncomfortable when strangers get in our “personal space.” It is because their strange energy has penetrated the energetic field of an organ that is highly sensitive to energy.

So, your struggle is energy (because literally everything is). And, that energy can feel so overwhelming when we focus it narrowly on the instrument that is our bodies and minds. It causes us to become hyper-focused on how the challenge makes our bodies and emotions feel and we get lost in the struggle, consumed by it because it is “pent up” within the confines our personal experience. An experience that many others cannot feel or perceive (unless they are empathic, but even then only to a certain degree). So it creates a feeling of isolation or loneliness and depending on how hard the challenge is and how long it has gone on it can even make you feel like the universe or God has painted a target on your back because you can’t seem to escape or surmount it no matter what you do.

But, if you can spend time intentionally feeling your struggle or challenge in light of the space, the universe (not your body or mind) that it exists in, then you become informed that it is not as big as you perceive it to be. It can’t be. Why? Because it exists not just within your experience but within the context of a universe that is expanding 45 ft per second. Focus on its finiteness. Its smallness in light of expansion.

In short, because the universe is expanding it is forcing you to expand as well. And because it won’t stop expanding you won’t stop experiencing the challenges that result from living in a temporary body that is animated by an infinite nature. Is the universe a sadist?? ha ha. It can certainly feel like! But, that isn’t the case. It is focused on expansion. You are part of that expansion. Your mind, body, thoughts, experiences at work, home and in or out of love will always be challenged because your essence is one with the fabric of the universe and that fabric is elastic. It stretches on forever but it doesn’t break. Your body and mind might break but even they will reorganize either through personal and spiritual growth or once you die your energy will be transformed into another form and continue its expansion in the new form.

So, God isn’t out to get you. The universe isn’t a sadist. There is a reason for your sufferings and challenges. They are meant to expand you regardless of how painful that can be.

The universe will always be about its expansion and once you can couch your challenges into the context of an “eternal now” you will experience not only a lessening of the emotional and mental intensity of how they press you but gain a sense of purpose for your suffering. Think about that. What are the implications of you overcoming once and for all, the challenges you face? Sure, you will feel better personally in many ways. But ultimately you will be expanded. That means your capacity will increase. When your capacity increases your ability to integrate suffering becomes more finely honed and skillful. And once that happens you too become like the universe. An unstoppable, outward force. If you are that then you will become a catalyst for the entire planet in the transformation of human suffering in general. And, that is a very big deal. So your suffering isn’t just about you. It’s about expansion and it’s about creating a ripple effect of peace and greater harmony in the world around you affected in the lives and hearts of your neighbors, friends and family. This is the goal of the universe. The goal of the universe is your expansion. Find what that means for you.

Yours in expansion,
Cozett Dunn

#cozettcontemplates #UniversalExpansion #personalgrowth #spiritualgrowth #motivation #mindset #suffering #challenges #TheCosmos #theuniverse

January 6, 2023 0

Why I Became A Travel Agent: My Spiritual Awakening Account In Istanbul Airport

THIS. This is why being a travel agent is so important and meaningful for me.

Travel literally changed my life’s trajectory in ONE trip. I left #chattanooga, #tennessee and when I landed in #istanbul #turkiye…I had a massive, highly visible spiritual awakening in the MIDDLE of Istanbul airport.

I left Chattanooga as a woman who has had over a 20 year struggle with panic disorder and when I got inside of Istanbul airport, on my way to #antalya, Turkiye….I missed my flight.

Now, if you suffer from mental health issues you likely understand how a missed flight is a huge trigger in and of itself. But, let me show you the implications of this missed flight for me and the profound change that took place in me that upgraded my life for the better.

#1. I didn’t speak Turkish and the English on the airport signs wasn’t quite clear. For example, in the restrooms there were signs about conserving trees by using electric hand dryers at the sinks. They encouraged us to limit our paper use saying, “it isn’t good for the nature.” So, it was English but it took some piecing together to fully grasp the message being conveyed. And, when you are overcome with panic your brain is fogged up from adrenaline.

#2. The airport is massive. Larger than the #atlanta #hartsfieldjackson airport. And, I’m overweight and have short legs. So getting through the airport meant I had to move super fast. But, I had no idea where the gates were because I couldn’t understand the signage. So not only was my heart rate rocketing from being in panic but from moving as quickly as I could with a heavy duffle bag that had no wheels, a CPAP machine across my shoulder, a back pack, and a fanny pack. So, here was another trigger.

#3. I had used EVERY PENNY to my name to pay for this trip. I literally had $200.00 in my bank account to last me for 10 days in Turkey. I was at an all-inclusive resort Miracle Resort Hotel so meals were included thankfully. But, can you imagine being a single woman, with panic disorder, in a foreign country where you can’t undesrtand people and they can’t understand you and you are ALONE. I was over 8,000 miles away and dialing 911 or calling a friend or family member to help me wasn’t an option.

#4. The EVIL EYE – Turkish people believe it is bad luck to show distress. They believe it only attracts more problems. I had NO idea about this. I was walking back and forth through this massive airport, crying my eyes out and asking airport employees and strangers for help. ALL of them ran from me like I had leprosy! I thought, “what is with these people?? Why won’t they talk to me?? What about customer service??” Customer service agents were dismissing me because they didn’t want any part of my panicked energy. Here’s another trigger!

#5. One missed flight change can easily cost $200.00 or MORE and that was all the money I had. No credit cards, nothing. My ticket change cost $180.00. So I had $20.00 in case of an emergency for the next 10 days. Trigger!

#6. Depending on when I could catch another flight I wondered how long it would be and if I would have to spend the night in the airport. I had my CPAP machine on me but had left my power convertors in my luggage and again, I didn’t have enough money to buy one at the airport. I have severe central and obstructive sleep apnea. I had already gone 36 hours with NO sleep and was facing possibly not sleeping in the airport because I couldn’t use my CPAP machine. Trigger!!

#7. Shady airport employee- Finally, an airport employee had had enough of me asking him for help and walking from one end of the airport to the other crying. He came up to me and in a stern voice said, “FOLLOW ME.” I was relieved!! But, that relief was going to be temporary! He took me into some hallways where there were no people, led me back and forth through the airport, and I am certain because of him my ticket change had a tacked on fee for him because he spoke to the ticketing agent for me. The ticketing agent kept looking at him like he was asking him to do something he shouldn’t. Every time I opened my phone to call someone he would snap at me, “CLOSE IT! CLOSE IT!!” I was trying to Whatsapp someone so they could see him in case I got into trouble with him. Trigger!!

#8. At a security line- He stopped and put his hand up at me and leaned into my face and said, “I help you. Now…you help me.” He rubbed his fingers and thumb together signaling he wanted cash. I had NONE! I had $20.00 in my bank account. So, I cried and said, “I am so sorry I don’t have any money. I don’t have it. If I had it I would give it to you. I am grateful for your help. Please. I am so sorry.” Who would believe I had no money. An American doing international travel with NO money at all?? I wouldn’t have believe me either. He then led me to a counter.

#9- My heart medication- He then took me to another counter. I have no idea to this day the purpose of this counter. A lady was giving me a tag for the bags I was carrying but then the airport employee demanded that I open my duffle bag to be searched. In that bag I carried my beta blocker, Atenolol. I used it for panic disorder, and whenever I had episodes of tachycardia. He threatened to seize my medication. The lady at the counter looked at him confused. I begged, “no, this is “kalp” (heart in Turkish)” and pointed to my chest.” He finally relented and again sternly said, “FOLLOW ME!”

#10- A fated intervention- There was a young man from Marmaris, Turkey who was fluent in English. He heard me speaking English and in distress with the airport employees and came over immediately and began interpreting and telling them that was my heart medication and that they shouldn’t be searching my bags or seizing my medication. He asked me where I was going, so I told him Antalya. He said, “I’m from Marmaris and I think my gate will be near yours. I can help you.” The lady gave me a ticket (with no gate number still) and I’m not sure how he knew where to go, but he grabbed my duffle bag and said, “c’mon your gate is beside mine but we need to go quick because your flight is about to leave.” So we hustled to the gate and found a spot to sit down together. I told him I was so thankful he intervened because the male airport employee was asking me for money. The young man became very upset. He said, “this gives Turkey a bad name! People like this man! He’s terrible! He shouldn’t have done this. Please don’t think bad of Turkey because of him.” His kindness was salvific. I made my flight and that trip ended up being one of the BEST vacations I’ve ever had!

In the middle of all of these fears, with less resources for help than I’d ever had, I had to dig deep into the healing process I had been practicing 3 years prior to this trip. I had to lean into the fact that I had been doing neural integration to optimize my nervous system and increase my bandwidth for pressure and stress. I had to prove to myself that I believed the empowering words of my doctor friends back home, the words of my therapist, the philosophies I’d taken on from my favorite personal growth gurus.

I HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO BELIEVE IN MY BODY and it’s ability to be strong and not die from a heart attack or end up in a foreign hospital with panic and a racing heart. I had to believe that I had the inward power to control my mind so that my previous mental health issues wouldn’t put me in danger or ruin my trip.

This moment taught me how to connect to my body, believe in the fortitude of my mind, and embody adventure in the midst of catastrophe. This is why travel is so important to me. This is why I want to empower others to travel. I’ve not had one panic episode since this trip almost 3 years ago. I am stronger, happier, and more centered than I’ve ever been. And, I am here to help you create that reality for yourself…via travel.

Your trusty travel agent,

Cozett Dunn

For travel deals, perks and insider information on travel and to sign up to my free newsletter visit: www.cozettdunn.inteletravel.com

January 2, 2023 0

Cozett Contemplates: Divergence

My journey is sacred. My path is unique.

Cozett Contemplates divergence…

At the end of 2022 I made a conscious decision. An agreement with the future Cozett. The woman I wish to reflect on from my death bed.

I decided that I would no longer make any decisions based on haste. I would make no decisions that would lead me away from my own happiness. Not even for a day. I’ve spent too many days (nearly 44 years worth of days) basing all I do on pouring my life’s essence into the happiness of others so that I wouldn’t incur any discomfort….from them being uncomfortable. There is no life in that. It’s been a journey of fleeing. Running from one person to the next trying to put smiles on faces, make people feel supported, and most of all…getting their approval. Because their approval would mean my survival.

At nearly 44 years of age, the wisdom of middle-age has finally graced my understanding. And, she has shown me that to live this way, is to live in a constant state of emotional travesty. My whole life, up until this point, has been like a coup. A coup staged by my shadow self. My shadow, comprised of fear, alienation, feelings of abandonment and rejection, and pessimism. I was overthrowing my own power because I felt that my power….was weak. Weak in comparison to everyone around me. So weak that I felt it necessary to replace my personal power in hopes of receiving the security of power outside myself. Security, protection, provision. All done through the avenue of people pleasing. I got so bad with it that I was people-pleasing dangerous and ill-intentioned people. My conscience would scream, “you know they are bad news!! No inspiration or motivation or money or love you can give them will help them and they will in turn HARM YOU, COZETT!!” But…I did it anyway. I did it because I had zero belief in myself and that I could ever offer anything of worth to the world that would both ensure my security and affect meaningful change for humanity.

Even as I type this, the articulation of it all, is blowing my mind. Honestly, it takes a heck of a lot of self-awareness to assess oneself so objectively. And, it also takes a lot of willingness to demonstrate the courage to know oneself this deeply. The deep is a scary place. There’s not much light. You have to deal with a lot of shadows which means you have to fine tune your soul to sift through illusion and not spook so easily when it comes to pulling back the curtains of your own psyche to see what’s there.

I no longer see my life as a journey that “happens TO me” but rather I’ve positioned myself, through shadow work so that I can channel my energy in a way where MY life….”happens THROUGH me.”

There are no detours in the Divine. The divine you. When life happens “to” you, your whole path can be nothing but a detour. You can never follow out what your heart desires because you are too busy fulfilling the desires of others so you have to make U-turns, take toll roads, and bloody your feet by paths filled with briars, and crag. Ultimately, when you live for others, you are intentionally choosing and agreeing to take the long way to arrive at your own destiny. You’re telling your soul that it doesn’t carry the value or worth of taking the straight path, the destined path, the one that actually calls to you.

I can’t believe I have waited this long. Yet, I don’t feel bogged down with regret. I know that I couldn’t have seen then what I now see. I wasn’t capable. The emotional travesty that I intentionally chose had me blinded. And, I also think that to some degree I considered myself young enough to keep putting off my heart’s desires because I had, “time.” This is one of the great gifts of mid-life. The wake-up call. A conscious recognition that in spite of how well you take care of your body and mind…this will all come to an end. I want my end to be in health, in love, in passion, in the sobriety that is informed from severe suffering. A woman wide awake. A woman who maintained the magic of being a little girl in spite of her crucible. Sagic wisdom now finds its expression in me physically. In action. In my decisions. In my voice. In the crow’s feet forming around my eyes and in the small furrow of my brow. Plowed by intense, prolonged consternation and contemplation on why I am the way I am, and why the world around me is the way it is.

My prayer for everyone who reads this, is that you will learn from my lessons. If you are younger than me…please don’t put off following your happiness and being true to yourself. Be authentically you regardless of any perceived consequences of that. If you are my age or older…I give you the same advice. It is true that maturity and wisdom are not necessarily correlated with age.

Your journey…is sacred. And, your path is unique. Don’t you long for people to experience you as you really are? I encourage you to diverge. I encourage you to emerge. Diverge from the paths that people have forced you onto. And, you will emerge….as who you really are.

#cozettcontemplates #Divergence #newyear2023 #TimeToRise #Authenticity #shadowwork #middleagedwoman #wisdomoftheday #inspiration #motivation #motivationmonday

January 2, 2023 0

Cozett Contemplates Security: Detaching From Struggle

Cozett Contemplates her security…

Before my meditation this morning, I was doing self-inquiry to see what my soul wanted to see come into my conscious awareness. I have learned well how important it is to do self-inquiry because not asking yourself questions leads to a life of undesirable, and vicious cycles that leave you feeling confused and frustrated and broken.

The issue of my own security came up. I think for various factors (that I will list momentarily) I’ve conditioned myself to ONLY be able to experience security when great struggle can precede it. And, only then will I allow myself to relax or acknowledge that my survival is being ensured. If you follow me closely, you know that I talk as openly as I can about my traumatic childhood and adolescence. From as early as the age of 4 I was tasked with taking care of myself. At the age of 5 I would get myself ready for headstart (like a preschool) and walk to the end of my driveway to the school. When I got home from headstart I would stand in a chair and do dishes, then because I wasn’t strong enough, my mother would run my bath and I would bathe, lay out my clothes for the next day, set my alarm and go to bed to do it all again the next day. I LOVED headstart. I LOVED my teacher! Mrs. Charlene Withrow. I will never forget that woman. In retrospect I now know she was deeply concerned about my living situation and she would periodically make home visits and always bring me…DONALD DUCK ORANGE JUICE!! It had a metal peel tab and a cool 1980’s Donald Duck print on a tiny cylindrical can. I didn’t get to grow up celebrating Christmas due to my grandmother’s religion but every time Mrs. Charlene showed up with Donald Duck Orange Juice, I felt like the luckiest child. It felt like what I would imagine my friends felt like on Christmas morning.

Nothing came easy growing up. My grandfather worked his cattle farm 7 days per week and worked at TVA 5 days per week and he never took a day off as long as he lived. He would go even when sick. He also suffered from migraines as many in my family do and how he managed to function on Goody and BC Powders while working so hard I will never know. But, what I do know is that same work ethic found itself in me, albeit in a bit of a physically weaker vessel. Though I do have my own feats in light of long bouts of illness both mentally and physically. I am proud of what I have accomplished while carrying loads that many will never understand. Working multiple jobs, owning multiple businesses, being unwaveringly patient and kind with others (which is definitely me being “too nice” too often and yes that annoys me) while maintaining privacy about my lack of security or staggering mental health issues (mostly behind me now!) it has not been easy. So, this too has conditioned me, I have conditioned myself with the experiences and emotions of being in constant struggle praying for it to payoff.

Between my childhood and adolescent context and my subsequent struggles in my adult years, it’s never really been at the forefront of my conscious awareness that I can experience security without grueling and nearly obliterating struggle.

Now, my age plays into this well. At the time of this writing I am 43 years old. Soon to be 44. I come from a different time. Up until my generation it was the cultural norm and still is in many places, both in the US and around the world, that unless you were born into wealth life would and should indeed be hard to EARN with struggle every penny. I mean, look at my grandfather. Because of his hard work my grandmother is still surviving today. He never got to enjoy the fruit of his labor though. We took 1 vacation growing up and…God love him, he was miserable and nervous and cranky the whole time. He was always cranky, really. But, he couldn’t relax, he fussed and cussed the whole time. We never did a vacation again. I was about 14 years old. People in my age group and older grew up seeing parents and grandparents who, in their lifetimes may have been some of the first people to get electricity, they used outhouses instead of bathrooms in a home, they lived off the land planting massive gardens and tending to livestock. They were the people of Appalachia, people of pioneering lifestyles.

My cousin Margo Holder and I often talk about our grandmother, Nona Schouggins. She lived on Big Ridge here in Hixson before it became full of subdivisions. It was because of her that electricity finally became available on Big Ridge. She was a medicine woman, a pioneer woman, a healer, an herbalist, she was tough mentally and physically and sometimes emotionally. But, her love held so many together in a secure embrace. Her sureness conveyed a sense of security to everyone who had the privilege of being in her life. But, her sureness came from her the tenacity that was required from her in order to ensure her own survival. Her sureness came as a result of her struggle.

So, a precedent had been set for many generations that has and is thankfully being up-ended by the advent of some serious technology. Having indoor plumbing and electricity has been a game changer for humanity. But, having internet and the ability to have visibility that can, in many cases lead to being paid, having a form of security financially by becoming an “influencer.” The ability to speak to a broad audience, from the heart about one’s experiences and wisdom has taken us from the requirement of struggling to survive to simply speaking your truth and being able to thrive.

This is where my security will come from. While I am decently healthy, I am not, and have never been able to hold a 9-5 job or a job that requires a lot of physical exertion. I have sleep disorders that won’t allow me to have a perfectly ordered work week at a traditional job. And, as of yet I don’t have a college degree. So, 9-5’s are out, warehouse jobs are out, and my goal of one day having my own counseling practice is out until I can finish my degree. As of right now, I am maxed out on my student loan amounts and I haven’t even been able to finish my bachelor’s degree. I need a minimum of a master’s degree to have my own practice. And, at almost 44 years old with maxed out school loans the likelihood of that ever happening is slim unless I just fall backwards into loads and loads of cash.

So, what does this mean for me? I HAVE to be creative. I have to own my reality by owning my own businesses. Thankfully, this is something I enjoy. But, does it mean I have to remain in a grueling state of struggle and uncertainty about my future? About my security in general? At first glance, looking at my lack of a degree, my age, my health (which again, isn’t terrible) if my security depends on “WORK work” then….I’m screwed.

But, with the technology that we now have, there is no reason why I can’t leverage that and forge my path, my security, in an alternative manner. I won’t be retiring from TVA and I am not the pioneer woman that my grandmother was. I do, however, carry deep wisdom, sureness that has come from the all encompassing struggles of my life. And, just like my grandmother, because of this sureness, this steadfastness of soul I am often told that people feel a deep and profound sense of hope and optimism and encouragement when they’re around me. I have, “feel good” energy. People tell me they feel they can be totally open and unashamed around me. They know they can tell me anything and trust that their secrets will never find their way into the ears of unintended audiences. People feel safe and at peace around me. And, it is because of how hard I’ve had to work to create peace in the chaotic life I’ve lived. I’ve had to be my OWN center. My OWN safe place. My OWN therapist. My OWN source of income. My OWN doctor. And, all of these abilities has had to come by following my intuition and what I know about my body, my mind, my emotions, and the extent of abilities.

So, for 2 days I have received a message from my soul. It spoke a few days ago quietly calling me out about, “being attached to struggle.” Then today my soul’s voice grew a bit louder. And, these words came to me, “You deserve to experience an emotional state free from loss, fear, danger and risk.”

I have never in my life had an emotional state that hasn’t included fear, loss, danger or risk. One of the happiest times in my entire life thus far was when I ventured to Turkiye. To the other side of the world, all by myself. But, even that time and the times I visited since the first, haven’t been free from fear of loss or danger or risk. I always find myself worrying about how I will pay my bills when I get back home. Feeling as if I’m going to be punished for eeking out an enjoyment that many take for granted.

I have no idea what an emotional state without the feeling of loss, risk or danger will feel like. I only know that I deserve to experience that. I deserve to live in that as a normal state of being. I deserve to know what it feels like.

I will be letting go of my attachment to struggle. I deserve to live a life of security that isn’t tied to constant struggle. In reality, because of all of the tech tools and social platforms this is more possible for me now than ever before. And, I’m showing up. I’m here to speak my truth and share wisdom and hope with others who know what it is to struggle. I am here to be a messenger of hope. An agent of peace. A global force for good in uniting humanity and calling out the poisonous and subtle tactics employed to divide us. This is my calling. And, this will be my peace. To know that I brought peace. Security…will be my security.

I hope it will be yours as well.

Lots of love,
Cozett Dunn

#cozettcontemplates #thestruggle #security

December 28, 2022 0