Category: mental health

Forward

I want to take my poetry world wide. I want to do book tours all over the globe and have opportunities to share my poetry on every continent. It’s all I think about these days. It is “the” hope that I hang on to. I envision a life where I can live my life….by living MY life. Not a corporate life, not a 1099 contractor life, not the typical American life.

I am not college educated unfortunately. I may eventually have a bachelor’s in psychology. But, beyond that because of my age and the fact that I am tapped out on student loan availability, it is highly unlikely I’ll have that accomplishment and the wage that a degree can ensure. I am almost 44. Child free and overweight as of right now. I have a fiancé. But, I’m not truly confident because I feel very insecure and even though I’ve told him how I need to be loved neither of us are confident he will be able to do that.

I am desperate to be financially independent. No degree, no 2nd income in my household. I feel hopeless. I feel afraid because I don’t have anything that can secure my future. If I stay in America I am bound to the wages of a high school graduate and I cannot work for myself doing real estate anymore because the toll it has taken on my mental health has..in many ways destroyed me. Even as I type this I am simultaneously worrying (which is work) about bizarre transactions and how to control the chaos and not be chewed out or threatened.

I’m tired but I have to be able to depend on my body to earn money according to the obligations and interests of someone with more money than myself. Dictates my chronically ill body is getting more difficult to fulfill as I age. Can anyone else out there relate to me? I feel alone.

My greatest gift, my greatest resource is my mind and my writing ability. It’s the one thing in this life I have that could potentially position me for security. I am tired of living under fear of eviction. I need more than I am able to physically produce. I need more than the wage of a high school graduate.

I have done all I can. Truly. All I can do now is keep writing, thinking, writing, thinking and pray that when I look up again my world will have changed and I will have a husband who burns to love me exactly the way I need. A man who promote my relaxation, security, and peace and not take it all away or even contribute to those things to begin with.

So, here I am on my free WordPress account. Typing out my thoughts, my woes, my poetry, my points. It is my form of preparation so that when opportunity arrives hopefully my one hope to be so famous as a writer and thinker that it can sustain me financially.

Right now I have a book I have finished. I have an appointment with an editor on Tuesday. Right now because I am on my cycle and my body hurts all over and I am so exhausted I feel doubtful it will end up betting published because I don’t know how to publish. I’ve tried to learn about and have played around on Kindle. But, I am seriously not smart when it comes to technology and formatting my writing.

I believe, ultimately, I am going forward. It’s just hard when my body feels the way it does.

My hope as I end 2022 is that in 2023 my fiancé can love me the way I need, my book will be published in both the USA and India, and that I will finally come into financial security. Do I want to be rich? Very much. Because I am so tired of being poor. I can hardly afford being a single woman with a cat and I am VERY low maintenance. I get my hair done. That’s it. No nails, lashes, Botox, shoe obsession, purse obsession, jewelry obsession, perfume, makeup….you get the picture. I drive my cousin’s car because I lost mine due to gas prices several months ago.

I need out. The only way out is if I can write my way. I will give it all I’ve got. I am so ready for 2022 to be over. I need next year to be my year. I need it. I want it for me and my cat and my cousin. By the end of the year or at least early next year I plan on resigning my real estate license. I would rather work at a gas station then look at or talk about real estate, houses, or contracts ever again. It’s a toxic industry. I’ve missed years upon years of family events, fun with friends and for what? For people who treat me unkindly and for a career that hasn’t allowed me a non-working vacation since 2011? Sorry. But, I’m saying it. FUCK that shit. FUCK it. It’s not me and I’m at the end of my rope with it. I’m done. I cannot wait to change my phone number. I cannot wait to delete my email address or cancel it or whatever. I can’t wait to announce on my social media that I am no longer in the industry. I can’t wait to be me. I can’t wait to feel free. I can’t wait to move out of this area and hopefully out of the country, at least for a while.

I have my eye on India. Whether me and my fiancé work out or not I plan on spending some months there in peace and quiet and not be fucking bothered by real estate or people who wish to drain my energy period. I need a fresh start. And I may be broke. But, I will start fresh even if I am broke. I’m not stopping, hesitating, or halting. I am done.

So, as I lay here I have no idea who will read this. If anyone will read this. But, anyway, here I am. And there…I will be.

Cheers,

Cozett

2

I Have To Move Forward

I’m lying in bed in my dimly lit room from the light of my Himalayan salt lamp.  It’s dark and quiet in my apartment.  I can hear the low hum of my ceiling fan.  Tamber is curled into my chest and arm.  I feel the soft vibrations of her purr.  I’m alone with my cat. No one can see me.  This is a mental snapshot I’m taking because I want to remember the peace and the visual.  The sounds and the feelings.  I need many more moments like this.

I love the obscurity of this picture.   It represents more than just this moment.  It represents where I am at in my life at this point.

Everything is so obscure right now.  I don’t know what the future holds and I kind of feel in the dark.  I’m about to make some major changes and while I don’t quite know what they will look like….I can say this:

Just like in this dark obscure picture where you can make out the soft form of my sweet cat and just like you can feel the peace and calm energy of this post (hopefully) there is something taking shape.

Something soft and comforting after a lifetime of hardness, and fear, and anxiety and disappointment.  I can’t fully see it.  But, I can feel it.  I sense it taking shape.  Some kinder and gentler time on the horizon (I hope).

I hear the low hum of its build and I feel the soft purr of it coming alive.  I await eagerly but patiently.  Please God.. please let 2023 be my year.  The year that I move forward in every imaginable way in every arena I wish to find myself.  The year that I have my very own song of freedom and never look back.

I promise to go forth with full throated and robust courage.  I promise that once opportunity finds my preparation that I will leap with every fiber of my being even if I don’t know where I will land.  I swear I will.

0

And You Will Know The Truth And The Truth Will Make You Free

My Monday morning meditation has yielded much! In my life I’ve been in pursuit of a better understanding of faith, truth, love, romance, freedom and optimal mental health.

We all have our own unique path. Unique experiences and understanding of the world around us. No two people see any one thing the same. Nuance is an inescapable part of reality.

Years ago I held roundtable discussions with one single question posed to many. And that was, “what is faith?” I could see the result of faith, I saw people struggling to apprehend faith, I heard people talk about the strength of their faith. I began these roundtables in my early 30s. I’m now 43. And because I’ve joined my previously narrow understanding of faith and its power to the reality of the energetic field that though it isn’t visible it is measurable I began to feel it taking shape.

I’m now satisfied in my 13 year search for better understanding about faith.

In addition to this I’ve marveled at the concept of truth and how striving for it pits people against each other. To me this was disgusting. How could the striving for something so pure bring out so much elitism, war, murder and destruction of people and places….all in the name of truth? For a long time due to this ugliness I gave up on truth being a knowable reality. The last 10 years I’ve studied every religion, every major spirituality (with the exception of some small tribal and indigenous belief practices), major philosophies, and of course psychology.

My breakthrough about truth and Jesus’s teaching that it can set us free came from my exploration of physics and metaphysics. When I learned the power of truth…the knowable reality of truth…is found where it is located and that is at the hub of all that is. The Bible was my introduction to the concept of eternity, infinity. And I found that this concept was most appropriately extrapolated by physics and metaphysics. It showed me a growing body of measurable evidence of its existence.

This Monday morning is unlike any other in the life I’ve lived thus far. This morning I have a clear mind, a pure heart, and have been able to find a place of rest and peace concerning 2 of the most important questions in my life. I have peace now about real faith and how it directs the quantum field and the reality that truth cannot be chained or limited because it is by nature unrestricted since it is the still point of infinity…it is the axis in which the past, future, present, potentialities, thoughts, emotions exist simultaneously.

I am now free to move on to a better understanding about love, romance, freedom, and optimal mental health. I am confident that in my pursuit of understanding to experience these things I will do well. I will figure them out. I will figure them all out in a way that will not only serve to better my own existence but the existence of everyone around me. I will…change the world.

I feel inspired. I feel encouraged. I feel proud. I feel happy. I feel free. I feel confident. I feel intentional. I feel free. I feel free. I. Feel. Free.

#cozettcontemplates #truth #wisdom #freedom

0

Deep Within My Keep: A Poem Of I Am

And, when the time was right I became my own

My flesh your figment and justice my bone

Deep within the keep of who I am

I exist within a hologram

Projected realities colliding with the fates

While cunning chimeras pace at my gates

I am the offspring of a million goodbyes

I am the prayer that they can’t catechise

To Adam I say, “I’ll see your rib and raise you intelligence.”

And, to me he says, “I’m only interested in your acquiescence.”

The gamble that is and has always been

Is how authentic can you become without it being seen as sin

I owe no one comfort to the detriment of my own

The reality of me is my creative capstone

I repose in the still point of infinity

I refuse to be the adjuvant of your affinity

I do not exist for your pleasure

I’ve come to unearth mysterious treasure

You will not find me on the surface

It’s best to look for me in cursus

Water witching forgotten wells

Drawing deep from my poetic tales

I’m a nomadic wonder within this realm

My heart is my compass and it’s steady at the helm

In my defiant softness your trespass has become apparent

Your rage belies your belief that you are inerrant

You are justified in crossing my boundaries? Arrogance like yours must be steeled in foundries

And for what reason? Your inescapable bruteness is grounds for treason

A throne of fables, fae, and fire

My feminine ferocity becoming a pyre

Save the cherub for an appropriate setting

Charon is best suited for my level of vetting

Hades has no need for hierophants

And my soul has been looted by sycophants

So, when the time was right I became my own

My flesh your reality and autonomy my bone

Deal with it.

0

The Power Of Collectivistic Celebration

During my meditation this evening I was open to receiving wisdom from the etheric realm. I asked God to tell me a piece of wisdom of which I am unacquainted. God spoke to me about my purpose. In my meditation I had a vision of sacred geometry, sacred spaces and women in celebration. Then I heard the words come up inside me, “The power of collective celebration.” So, I asked myself what that could mean in light of the sacred geometry and sacred spaces I had seen. It was revealed to me that the work and vibration and joy of celebration…on a massive scale is one of the most liberating things a thought leader can do. Lead their collectives in regular celebration.

This will naturally look different for each collective and each thought leader but the results of such an effort will be what lays the ground for a community to self-soothe, it sets aside the intense worry that plagues our modern overworked world. It removes people from the ordinary to the extraordinary. It increases the vibration of the collective and because of that time in celebration it gives us a break from the stringent focus required by our jobs, families, medical needs, etc. The effect of that is that the celebrant can come away from the celebration and experience clarity. Clarity about the condition of humanity and how their medicine can in fact heal the world. Clarity about life, love, relationships, the shadows we all carry inside, and so much more. Celebration therefore has a healing effect for our brain and nervous system.

I feel called, or instructed to do just this. My next steps? Maybe a spiritual retreat? A festival? Not sure. I’ll be exploring though and let you all know! Also, I am open to suggestions from around the world of where would be sacred spaces conducive to celebration. Let me know!

0

This Clinging Life Of Mine: A Response Poem For The Divine

What is this clinging life of mine

But, a withering fruit grasping its vine

What was this grand purpose of which I was told

One that is rooted in the origin stories of old

Did my forefathers have no forethought?

My foremothers had no freedom of thought

What does it mean when the sun goes down?

The moon holds me sway. It is my crown.

Riding the beast in its scarlet facade

My condemnation an act of God

Why would I ever apologize to anyone who holds space for my destruction?

What is so wicked and deplorable as a love whose murder is their introduction?

You call me crafty and I call You vain

What type of glory warrants this kind of pain?

Where is the justice for Judas? And for the vessels of dishonor?

Specifically brought forth into life for the destruction of their souls and bodies.

If confusion isn’t Your authorship

And perfection is Your penmanship

Then why do those who read and sing of your love kill, steal and destroy?

Your people? They are pursuing each other with hatred now.

Just as Your Son said.

When life and grace regress into law there is only ever death and disgrace left to embrace

What is this clinging life of mine?

It is but a petulant pawn for the Divine

What was this grand purpose of which I was told?

I need it to warm my dark as I now feel cold and old

No gift of glittering gold

Nor calls to rise and be bold

Can raise me from this shroud

That you seem to have happily allowed.

The end.

0

Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da

It is 1:35 am and I am still working, ha ha. But, I have Nessi Gomez, “Into The Earth” (LIVE). My sweet little Tamber is asleep at the bottom left of the bed. My fairy lights are glowing. I had a closing today (Cozett Dunn with Lynn Real Estate)

The owner of India Mahal Restaurant kindly gave me a 20% discount gas card to Circle K! Total #randomactofkindness. I highly recommend this restaurant btw. They have been in my top 3 favorite restaurants of all my time in #Chattanooga.

I miss Talia Grace. I talked to her and sang to her a while ago when I took a break. I prayed and cried asking if she could hear me or see me. I walked back into my bedroom a grateful woman as I surveyed my room. My cat, my earthy music, golden lights adorning my wrought iron head board. A business that is finally picking up again (this alone is enough for me to have a good cry about because I may have a chance to feel secure for more than 3 weeks out of 3 months (no exaggeration).

I should finish my year strong. Potentially stronger than I ever have…we will see.

I’m learning to focus. And I have learned to be more in control of my boundaries. If this alone was the ONLY thing that was hard for me during this season of sorrows it would have been more than enough for me to chew on because about 2 weeks ago I cleared house. I severed relationships and pissed people off who wanted to smother and control me. Oh well. Geez.

At any rate, if only in these moments I find peace with none to find again for a few more days….I believe it is powerful enough and a much better feel emotionally speaking than I have had in… I literally cannot even remember when…that’s interesting. Stream of thought in process apparently. How about we both read this entry? It’s good enough.

I am thankful. Grateful and relieved that I am still able to feel the emotions of gratitude and relief. I need to soak into the emotions of robust, heart swelling, chest beating gratitude. Marinade in the sun of relief after dwelling in the dark of the soul.

In these moments I am free and though they be 20 minutes or so the quality of those 20 minutes was very rich and interrupted what is likely by now a negative neural loop or something.

In the quiet home of a single introvert. Sensible cat lady (though sensible may actually not be an accurate descriptor in light of the season I am in.) I assure you actually, now as I think of it, my cat Tamber thought I was crazy a few nights ago when I was trying to get her out from underneath the bed.

Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da………………………………………………

Cozett

Oh, Whitney Houston is now playing. She’s singing, “All the man I need.” Remember that one?? How long has it been since you heard it? Leave a comment if that’s possible on here, ha ha. I miss Whitney as well. Wow. This whole writing started and ended with missing my cat and Whitney Houston. Pain and nostalgia. What does that mean? Whitney Houston was epic. Epic is an understatement.

0

Justice And Poverty: True Justice Has No Need For Charity

Cozett Contemplates justice. It’s not about politics. It’s about justice. It’s about survival. It’s about pushing back the BS and being unapologetic.

Over the last few days I’ve felt impressed to explore my own sense and understanding of justice. The delivery of justice…the reception of justice is intricately tied to our mental health.

Anytime power is taken away from us…

Anytime our boundaries are violated…

Anytime our survival is threatened due to political injustices that never touch the wealthy….

It negatively impacts our mental health. So what happens then?

1. We are told to cope “better”

2. We are told to manage our pennies “better”

3. We are told to stop buying Starbucks coffee (poor people don’t have luxuries to sacrifice like days on the lake, or cut down on vacations, etc.)

4. We go to counseling because we’ve lost our sense of motivation or depression that we just can’t beat and so the message then is, “well you just need to work thru “your” issues

5. Then when all else fails we turn to SSRIs and other medications to help us feel more numb (aka stable).

When all the while it’s not us…it really is…them.

Stress is a killer. Another real estate agent told me earlier today that 4 people in their 40s at her office and in perfectly good health dropped dead…unexpectedly. And it was during their sleep, on vacation, showering, and relaxing.

If you are a sufferer of anxiety, PTSD then you know that’s when anxiety and panic hits.

Having money, earning money, making money…should not be so stressful to the point it kills you. Period. And, no we don’t need counseling, pills, a sabbatical (we can’t afford that anyway), to cope with the economy and stress. We need money. Period.

We need equality when it comes to our most basic survival needs.

I want to see a radical, revolutionary push back to the government and society that perpetuates a culture that wears stress and busy-ness as a badge.

Will you join me?

This isn’t about politics. It’s about justice. And those 2 things have a large chasm in between them.

0

Authentic…Unto Death

Sitting here in the dark, dimly lit bedroom I’ll soon never sleep in again. I’ve spent the last 20 minutes sitting with my chunky headphones on listening to, “Return to Innocence” by Enigma on repeat and watching Talia sleep.  I’m still processing the last 24 hours when she became suddenly blind.  If the past 3 years have taught me anything it is to slow down and spend prolonged time taking in the people, animals, and good memories made.

I stink, I’m sweaty and not even gonna shower before I fall asleep.  But, my Talia…she’s blind.  And, now I finally realize and regret my own blindness.  I’ve allowed everything and everyone to get in the way of me living my life in a more rooted way.  A more earthy way.  That’s all we really have you know?

A few years ago I read a web article about pet euthanasia.  The majority of pets who experience euthanasia do so in the company of the techs and vet and staff because it’s so hurtful to see your fur baby/child to transition in front of you.  And, that was absolutely my mindset.  But, a few techs and vets weighed in and offered an alternative perspective on pet euthanasia.   They all stated that while they completely understand why pet owners don’t want to be there to witness the event and that they will always respect people’s grief process,  they long to see more pet owners be present.  Pets have a very small circle of family and friends.  In the short span of their lives they will live in a home with family and friends who come and go.  So they may only know maybe 10 people give or take for their entire lives.  They never get a break from us, haha.  But, the thing is they never feel smothered and if it was possible they would stay within our shadow and by our sides every single second for a millenia.  Their love and devotion is bottomless, untiring, ever cheerful, ever patient, ever thrilled to hear our voice, see our face, smell our scent.  Whether it’s the first time they sniff you or the millionth time their enthusiasm never diminishes or fades, it only brings their hearts that much closer to ours.   They only ever love us more every day they’re alive.

When I read this a light went off.  Talia loves me with everything in her.  You can literally feel her love energy.  And while I am her #1 favorite human she’s like this about any human she’s ever met.  Instantly warm, curious, and gentle hoping for some affection and a new friendship.  She has never been scared of anything.  Loud sounds, thunder storms, shrieks of little ones playing or crying.

In fact when it thunderstorms sometimes she and I go out on the porch and I sit her in my lap and we watch the lightning and feel the rain spray in gently and coolly upon our bodies and faces.  When it lightnings I can see the spray on her fur and it looks like dew.

She intently looked up at the sky and followed the lightning streaks with her eyes.  Sniffing the wind occasionally for some wild scents.  Never flinching, squirming, or tense.  Relaxed, intrigued, longing to see what it would feel like up in the sky above her.  She is such a brave old girl.  Car rides?  She loves them.  Going for a walk on a leash?  Yes, please.

My constant companion whom has shown me much greater and deeper love than the majority of humans who have been in my life. 

Because of this I resolved that when the day comes if I am able to have any forewarning of her passing I will hold her in my arms and sing her her favorite lullabys.  I’ve reworded I don’t know how many songs to include her name and take her beautiful gentle life into adventure stories, sleepy time songs, and of course my doting love songs over my precious cat.  I will stay by her side just like she has mine.  My arms, hands, scent and voice, touch, body warmth and love….as much love as any human could ever possibly hold…my love for her will be the last experience she has here.  She never left my side and I’ll never leave hers either.  Ever.  I’ll be holding her and kissing her little knobby head and singing to her until she’s in the arms of the angels. 

Her gentleness is like her own cottony fur.  So tender and soft you can hardly even feel it touching your skin.  She’s so tiny.  At the time of this writing she weighs about 6 lbs.  She’s a bit underweight even though she’s small.   I’m not entirely sure what breeds she’s made from but she has a tortoise siamese colored coat and deep, dark blue eyes (that now look a bit purple in her blindness).  And she’s very short, low to the ground, haha.  And her little tail is short.  She’s built like a munchkin but has the coat and eyes of a Siamese.

Her little multi-colored paws look like they are ringed in caramel.  And she loves belly rubs.  And 99% of the time doesn’t attack my hand.  That 1% though….she’s got a streak.  I guess if she didn’t she wouldn’t have been able to put up with mine and Margo Holder s crap all these years, hahaha.  Margo often says that Talia is her spirit animal and believe me when I say, she is not wrong.

At any rate, beyond all of this the last 24 hours of her going suddenly completely blind has opened my eyes to something I’ve decided I want to do that will likely seem odd to more people than not.  But, that’s how I roll anyway.

I have deep regrets about not spending as much time with my family and friends as I’d like to.  I’ve allowed life to get in the way.  And if I allow life to be a stumbling block…what will that mean at death?

For many years now I’ve casually researched death doulas.  Most people don’t even know what a doula is much less a death doula.  Now, I’m not saying I want to be or am going to be a death doula by profession.  But, there are some facets of their work that I am going to implement where it’s appropriate and of course permissible.

I have decided that I want my heart to break wide open and hold my family and friends in my arms as they transition so that it is my hands, my arms, my energy, my truest and deepest love for them to be what they are enveloped in as they transition.

I’ve always been a lover.  A hugger…to the point of extreme and strange awkwardness. 

But,  how can I apologize for that?  And, for what reason should I reign it in?  Covid-19 wiped millions of people off this planet in the blink of an eye comparatively speaking.  And, not just Covid, but wars, disasters, political rhetoric that has risen to the point that brother is against brother.  I long for the day to see field upon field joined to pastures and woodlands filled with a great many more plowshares.  As it is, sheaths clamor and tremble longing for the bloodied blades to return again for fear of being found guilty before God as being accomplices.

Blood is crying out from the ground but we can’t hear it because the main stream has become the main scream and their volume has driven us to deafness.  Our ears dull and listening unskilled.  Our mouths boastful, arrogant and insisting on our own rights, or beliefs to be looked at as the pinnacle of truth even if it means the death of another human who doesn’t agree.

No.  This world isn’t for me.  So, from this point forward I’m going my own way.  I’m about to do everything in my life the weirdest and most unconventional way as possible. 

Life is valuable.  It is precious.  Sacred. Holy in its own right.  How could I betray it by living anything less than 1000% authentically to who I am, to what my level and intensity of love is like, to cleave to my own philosophies formed circumspectly and carefully?  How could I ever be ok with exchanging even the weirdest things about me in lieu of making myself more acceptable?   Life is too short for that.  It’s too brilliantly faceted for that.  I am committed to being my different self no matter what that looks like or who it may trouble.   Doing death differently…addressing the deeper, intangible components of dying and watching life transform as its vehicle weakens…is when you know you’re a catalyst and have just changed your own trajectory.  Forever.  I will never be the same after these last 3 years and it took my dear Talia’s blindness to open my eyes to the truth that it is in fact how life should be lived so that when we settle into the arms of death we will embrace it regretless and with the sense of an old dear friend who has come to pay a visit. 

I am different.  Unto death.

My desire is to be the most open, accepting, loving, heart-centered person you know.   And, if I can be that then don’t thank me or give me any accolades.  Thank Margo Holder, my mamaw, my nieces and nephews, my parents, my brothers, and my intimate friends.  Because it is them who have shaped me and shown me how weird love is, how unconditional it can feel, and the powerful relief it offers when you’re in the worst pain of your life.  We aren’t perfect.  None of us are.  And far be it from me to close my mind and heart to this human experience.

We are all walking miracles. Our pets included.

0

Silent Retreat Please

As I’m lying here with heavy eyes I find myself longing to escape to some prolonged silent retreat. It’s a soul’s longing. Deep. Not quite guttural but definitely gritty.

At this time I feel like I want to take a solid 90 days in silence. No TV, phone, etc. Just me and the void. I feel like unless I can get into this kind of setting I’m always going to feel void on the inside. Like I have to create a larger more spacious void outside of the smaller void that is within me. It seems a larger and exterior void would be able to absorb the void within me…and essentially rid me of it that I might be truly whole for the first time in my life.

I am so much stronger than I give myself credit for. But, it’s because I’ve been in either 1 of 2 states nearly the entirety of my life thus far. 1. Panic 2. Numbness. Fluctuating between the two. The strain to be in such constant states while fighting with everything you have on the inside to stop feeling the panic and then admonishing myself for being numb. Ugh. Like my soul was acidic.

I just feel this need to detach and reflect and just be quiet. For a very long time.

Love,

Cozett

0

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑