I think one of the reasons self-hatred is so sneaky is because it’s not something that the ego will allow. Or, if it does allow it certainly won’t allow you to consciously acknowledge it.
My childhood and adolescence was very disempowering. I was given no scaffolding to grow. I was taught that my feelings didn’t matter and that I wasn’t capable of having an opinion.
While I didn’t really think that I believed these things as an adult my behaviors and boundaries have told a different story.
Sitting quietly. Allowing my mind to explore and acknowledge some bad decisions I’ve made that I knew would cost me peace and physical health has been very empowering and transformative.
In these times of meditation I’ve been able to go below the surface of my loudest thoughts and beliefs into the deeper places that are harder to sound. Places in my mind that are like long abandoned, dusty, ancient libraries. This exploration is like walking into a room where no one has been in millenia. It has a stillness that is unfamiliar. It feels profound. It stirs a curiosity as to why it’s so unvisited. And, therein lies a powerful truth. Noise. Loudness. Disruption. Turmoil. Discord. Those are the things that get attention. And why is that? We are wired for self-preservation. Whenever anything threatening comes up that is where all of our focus goes. Unfortunately, our modern lives operate on the premise of scarcity even though we are surrounded by abundance. More is always being required of us. More hours at work. More patience because someone or something is always trying us. And, we find ourselves in a rhythm where we exist in operating in the loud areas of our minds.
Yet there is better for us. There is a richness we are sacrificing. There is wisdom and love and understanding that we are exchanging for desperation and fight or flight. We are pushed to perform everyday of our lives and the concept of just “being” is becoming more foreign by the day.
I am determined to spend more time in this transcendent and quiet place where there are messages of empowerment. I’m tapping into a confidence in my long neglected inner compass. I’m positioned to honor my intuition. I’m becoming comfortable enforcing my boundaries. I’m feeling hopeful and eager and optimistic about uncovering the hidden aspects of me and all the ways I’m going to be strengthened by these discoveries
The Catalyst 
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