The Greater The Depth The Darker It Gets: Pioneering The Pathless Path

Whether the ocean, the earth, the cosmos or the psyche….the greater the depth the darker it gets.

Shadows still exist because they are the egregores of our ego. But, their borders bleed into the blackness. Doing the inner work here is harder. You can’t see anything at all. You can’t feel anything at all. You can’t smell anything. And, there is no flavor. Yet it is not “nothingness.” When taken to this depth you experience sensory deprivation and your integration process looks much less coherent than what is trending and being discovered in even the health and holistic wellness world. Things like Kundalini awakening, or plant medicine trips, or exorcisms, carry a busy energy of a human life trying to survive and progress. There is a frenzied, frenetic, frantic, or even euphoric feel to these processes.
And while they all are wonderful rites in and of themselves they are also in and of themselves mere entries into a life that is pure consciousness, awareness. They can serve as portals to important journeys but they are just that….keyholes through which we get to peer into what’s next….beyond the body and beyond the mind.

As one who speaks from the deep….I’m understanding there is a disabling stillness that overtakes the psyche that forces the soul to switch off to allow our spirit to come online. We depart from understanding the world and the people around us physically because we experience a break, a disconnect from the physical even while we are still in the body and we sojourn into a metaphysical knowingness.

From physical understanding to metaphysical knowing. This is the path of shamans, healers, oracles, prophets, and poets. This is where the pathless path begins. This transition is the junction where we meet other souls who are longing to go deeper but need the guidance of those of us who had no choice but to pioneer the poignancy of what its like to live between worlds.

For years I’ve felt a jealousy, a scornful envy even of those who never seem to venture below the surface. The ease that they experience in their unawareness has seemed so unfair to me. And up until my mother’s death, which has carried a level of complexity that no one should have to experience, I didn’t get it. I didn’t understand why so many people get to walk around having done little to no inner work, existing in pure ego completely unbothered, and untouchable in spite of the harm that their willful ignorance has caused.

But, now I do. I do get it. I believe there is a subconscious mechanism within each of us that will allow us to go only so far into understanding humanity, emotions, spirit, soul, shadow. It is the “thing” within us that determines when it is our own unique time to learn certain lessons. And until it’s time to learn those lessons….these people act as lessons to those of us who are inwardly turned.

We learn how to deal gently with a collective that isn’t ready. We learn how to meet people where they are….without judging who they are. In the end its all about survival. The survival of the body. The survival of the psyche. The survival of the soul. The survival of our spirits that get so attached to the identity of our physical existence and feel terrified at the thought of the moment it loses the body. Because that will happen for all of us. We are all moving towards that moment of no longer being “the us that we know.” The us that is grouchy when we wake up. The us that looks in the mirror and sees thinning hair, banging bods, stretch marks, chiseled jaw lines, on point brows, and unwanted chin hair.

There is life in the deep. Beyond the body. And, beyond the mind. I’m here. But, I’ll be back. And, when I come back…I’m bringing my soul with me. I’m not politically correct. I’m not religiously correct. I fit in no where but because of this I’m equipped to go everywhere. Spreading boundlessly as threads of my energy finds the energy of other wandering souls like mine.

August 5, 2023 0

The Haunting Resonance Of The Grit: Grungy Motels And Why I Can’t Resist Them

Traveling is one of my greatest passions. There has yet to be a greater rush for me that confirms I am indeed alive.

Travel challenges me. It is an epic (and I mean this in the literal sense of the word) vehicle for shadow work, soul-searching, and, self-discovery. The profundity I encounter is always trajectory shifting. Mind-blowing. Salvific. Paradigm shattering. And, oh soooooo endearingly sweet.

I do mostly solo travel, and if there is 1 regret I have from this, it is that I have these most profound moments alone. I live my life nearly entirely unwitnessed. And while my life isn’t opulent (yet), it is worthy of being witnessed. I’ve transformed and moved through some pretty awe-inspiring shit. I want so much for someone to see it with me. See….me with me. See the grit and feel it with me so that I can tell my stories about the black grainy gravel that made its home beneath my fingernails for a while.

I want to share how and why I find such a haunting and somewhat macabre peace when I stay in a dirty, shady motel. For one thing….the energetic imprints in these types of motels are downloaded onto my psyche like an old school record and needle. By feeling the grooves, I hear the song. It’s like preternatural braille. The imprints tell me their stories without words or any sort of audio. I seem to somehow “know” and “feel with” the room I stay in and the lobby I occasionally venture into.

Would I prefer to be in an all-inclusive 5-star resort?? You betcha. But I don’t yet feel a resonance with that atmosphere. I suppose that’s because I’ve always fluctuated between lower middle class and poverty. But, for the sake of adventure, I hope that will soon change so I can know what it feels like to resonate with the opulence and unadulterated relaxation that I actually need.

At any rate, I wanted to share a picture of where I am tonight. March 13th, 2023, at 12:42 am. I am at the Super 8 Wyndham motel in College Park, GA. Hartsfield-Jackson is adjacent. And I have been plane spotting while here. That is another rush for me. I can’t get enough of lift-offs. I find resonance in them as well. More on that some other time.

But this motel….it’s rough, hahaha. I saw a 10 year old boy across the street at Food Mart dealing drugs. I have just begun writing this post after calling on the angels for him. But, 10 years old. Wow. I was around drugs but thankfully wasn’t doing or dealing them at that age. There’s always someone who’s had it worse. Perspective.

I can’t resist these places because when I walk in and I see how the rooms are half dilapidated and should be condemned but it also looks like some upgrades have begun….it is my mirror. Half-dilapidated yet under construction. Hints of mildew in rusted showers. Carpet that smells like mango perfume but makes the bottom of your feet look like you’ve stepped in soot. A king sized bed wrapped in so many cases and sheets with decent pillows yet when you lie in it you find yourself rolling to one side because it has some weird hump in the middle that isn’t visible but can be felt once you’re stretched across it.

But, the mirror looks new. The mini fridge works. And the night stands look new. In the words of William, The Worm, in the movie, “Labyrinth,” “Oh,well. Close enough.” It is in that spirit I exhale in the darkness that now surrounds me knowing that although I’m in a strange and gritty place, I’m also in a place that feels familiar. And, even though this motel gets 2 stars with one review stating a guest left because as they were checking they encountered an Atlanta Homicide team and on their way back to their car walked past a coroner vehicle, there is strangely still comfort in familiarity. An understanding. And of course…this unwitnessed moment that no one will ever see….but me.

March 13, 2023 0

I Have To Move Forward

I’m lying in bed in my dimly lit room from the light of my Himalayan salt lamp. It’s dark and quiet in my apartment. I can hear the low hum of my ceiling fan. Tamber is curled into my chest and arm. I feel the soft vibrations of her purr. I’m alone with my cat. No one can see me. This is a mental snapshot I’m taking because I want to remember the peace and the visual. The sounds and the feelings. I need many more moments like this.

I love the obscurity of this picture. It represents more than just this moment. It represents where I am at in my life at this point.

Everything is so obscure right now. I don’t know what the future holds and I kind of feel in the dark. I’m about to make some major changes and while I don’t quite know what they will look like….I can say this:

Just like in this dark obscure picture where you can make out the soft form of my sweet cat and just like you can feel the peace and calm energy of this post (hopefully) there is something taking shape.

Something soft and comforting after a lifetime of hardness, and fear, and anxiety and disappointment. I can’t fully see it. But, I can feel it. I sense it taking shape. Some kinder and gentler time on the horizon (I hope).

I hear the low hum of its build and I feel the soft purr of it coming alive. I await eagerly but patiently. Please God.. please let 2023 be my year. The year that I move forward in every imaginable way in every arena I wish to find myself. The year that I have my very own song of freedom and never look back.

I promise to go forth with full throated and robust courage. I promise that once opportunity finds my preparation that I will leap with every fiber of my being even if I don’t know where I will land. I swear I will.

November 22, 2022 0

Silent Retreat Please

As I’m lying here with heavy eyes I find myself longing to escape to some prolonged silent retreat. It’s a soul’s longing. Deep. Not quite guttural but definitely gritty.

At this time I feel like I want to take a solid 90 days in silence. No TV, phone, etc. Just me and the void. I feel like unless I can get into this kind of setting I’m always going to feel void on the inside. Like I have to create a larger more spacious void outside of the smaller void that is within me. It seems a larger and exterior void would be able to absorb the void within me…and essentially rid me of it that I might be truly whole for the first time in my life.

I am so much stronger than I give myself credit for. But, it’s because I’ve been in either 1 of 2 states nearly the entirety of my life thus far. 1. Panic 2. Numbness. Fluctuating between the two. The strain to be in such constant states while fighting with everything you have on the inside to stop feeling the panic and then admonishing myself for being numb. Ugh. Like my soul was acidic.

I just feel this need to detach and reflect and just be quiet. For a very long time.

Love,

Cozett

August 11, 2022 0

Assessing My F3 Response: Becoming Bulletproof Journal Entry

I’ve just started, “Becoming Bulletproof” by Evy Poumpouras. I had this book in my Amazon cart for a little while. As someone who has had a life filled with battling anxiety, the title appealed to me for obvious reasons. But, it wasn’t until my most recent trip to Turkey that I felt a nudge from Spirit and a deep resonance in my soul to go ahead and purchase it. In fact it was about two days before I was to fly home back to the states that I clearly heard the Spirit say to me, “what is in your future will require you to be bulletproof.” In that moment I had forgotten that I even had the book in my cart. I was moving about my hotel room packing and began quietly mulling over what I had just heard as well examine the emotions and feelings that came up as a result. As I folded and separated my dirty clothes from my clean clothes the feelings I was able to identify clued me in on what my impending future could hold. I felt feelings of hope, excitement, being respected, admired, looked to and intelligent. Now, isn’t that an odd response from a statement to an anxiety sufferer? I thought so too. But, it’s the feelings that let me know that I have one BIG adventure ahead of me. And, I need to prepare so it goes as smoothly and as fun and interesting as possible. I’m ALL about the odd and interesting. I find myself constantly immersed in the interesting. I have stories some people would never believe or imagine.

As someone who has been in counseling for years and one who practices mindfulness and meditation I have broke with thought patterns that feed fear. I’ve trained myself to distract myself and move should I start feeling bogged down with fearful thoughts. To some degree in retrospect…in this moment actually I realize I’ve lost a big part of myself to managing triggers rather than just living in the moment. At any rate, I’m about 32 pages into this book and twice now the author has prompted me to think on my fears. First to assess what I’m afraid of and second to assess my F3 responses and determine what is my most common response. Fight, flight or freeze. Both times I’ve balked at the thought of allowing any of these thoughts into my mind. My fear was…that I would become fearful if I think about it. My training has taught me to distract and get my mind to flit across the thoughts about fear like a stone skipping across a lake. To think about my destination rather than moment. And, that has served me well seriously. Instead of getting lost in thought about a doctor’s appointment I think on what I’m going to do once I leave the doctor’s office. Because, I AM going to leave. I’m not going to stop there. I have things to do and enjoy and rewards to give myself for getting through that appointment. It keeps me moving forward and gets me unstuck. Hence, the tendency I had to freeze.

As I intentioned to go ahead and get still and allow my mind to engage my fears here is what I discovered about my F3 response. My most common is to freeze. This response “comes” to me. It is one that builds in waves as my body slows to a halt. It’s progressive. It looms like an approaching hurricane as you register that you’re in its direct path and feels like you won’t be able to get out of its way in time. But, because it comes in measures and because I’ve done so much inner work I can at least identify what I need to do to begin to steer myself to a calm harbor. In these moments movement is key for me. If I’m alone I’ll usually dance if I have a good control. Or, if I don’t have good control I’ll usually uncontrollably fidget and flail a bit. On that note did you know this is actually an evolutionary response? If you’ve ever witnessed big cats in the wild you’ll notice that just after pursuing prey, fighting or other moments of challenge they will shake themselves. This is the body ridding itself of adrenaline and getting back into a parasympathetic state. Also, did you know that our sympathetic nervous system kicks in when we need to meet a challenge and our parasympathetic nervous system kicks in to help us rest and digest. They work in tandem with each other to keep us balanced out. And they do that automatically. Thank God, right?? Our bodies our awe-inspiring and ALWAYS working FOR us. Never against us. Remember that.

Next, as the author can also relate, my next common response is to fight. This is rare but it happens if I’m surprised and don’t see the threat coming. I’ll spare you the details but I’ve often sprung into fight mode when someone is aggressive towards me, wants to intimidate me or unnecessarily comes at me in anger. Other than those scenarios I freeze.

Here’s what’s most interesting to me though. Out of all that I’ve been through. My mother’s addict boyfriends, saving her life and the life of one of my brothers and the life of a stranger who was drowning at Fall Creek Falls (I couldn’t save him by going in the water after him because it was too dangerous and I’m not a strong swimmer. Instead I screamed until someone heard me and dove in after him. Two men from India there as tourists heard my cry and immediately responded. Had I not screamed he would have been dead because it was only he and I there and everyone else was downstream of the falls.) He looked me in the eyes as he went under like I had betrayed him by not helping him. I didn’t know until that night if he actually survived. Once one of the men dove in for him I ran to my car and called 911 and never looked back because I couldn’t bear seeing his body dragged out. Thankfully, he did survive and it was my voice and the skill of a stranger that saved him. In all of these things the ONLY F3 response I’ve never demonstrated is to flee. I’ve never backed down from a crisis. If it’s a personal crisis I freeze and then force myself to move. If it’s an unanticipated attack I fight. But, I’ve never fled in all of my 42 years. And in this moment that brings into focus just how bulletproof I really am.

What about you? Do you suffer from mental health issues? Panic disorder? Generalized Anxiety? It may be worth evaluating your F3 responses. You may come away with the pure gold of more confidence in yourself if you do.

July 16, 2021 0