Authentic…Unto Death

Sitting here in the dark, dimly lit bedroom I’ll soon never sleep in again. I’ve spent the last 20 minutes sitting with my chunky headphones on listening to, “Return to Innocence” by Enigma on repeat and watching Talia sleep. I’m still processing the last 24 hours when she became suddenly blind. If the past 3 years have taught me anything it is to slow down and spend prolonged time taking in the people, animals, and good memories made.

I stink, I’m sweaty and not even gonna shower before I fall asleep. But, my Talia…she’s blind. And, now I finally realize and regret my own blindness. I’ve allowed everything and everyone to get in the way of me living my life in a more rooted way. A more earthy way. That’s all we really have you know?

A few years ago I read a web article about pet euthanasia. The majority of pets who experience euthanasia do so in the company of the techs and vet and staff because it’s so hurtful to see your fur baby/child to transition in front of you. And, that was absolutely my mindset. But, a few techs and vets weighed in and offered an alternative perspective on pet euthanasia.   They all stated that while they completely understand why pet owners don’t want to be there to witness the event and that they will always respect people’s grief process, they long to see more pet owners be present. Pets have a very small circle of family and friends. In the short span of their lives they will live in a home with family and friends who come and go. So they may only know maybe 10 people give or take for their entire lives. They never get a break from us, haha. But, the thing is they never feel smothered and if it was possible they would stay within our shadow and by our sides every single second for a millenia. Their love and devotion is bottomless, untiring, ever cheerful, ever patient, ever thrilled to hear our voice, see our face, smell our scent. Whether it’s the first time they sniff you or the millionth time their enthusiasm never diminishes or fades, it only brings their hearts that much closer to ours.   They only ever love us more every day they’re alive.

When I read this a light went off. Talia loves me with everything in her. You can literally feel her love energy. And while I am her #1 favorite human she’s like this about any human she’s ever met. Instantly warm, curious, and gentle hoping for some affection and a new friendship. She has never been scared of anything. Loud sounds, thunder storms, shrieks of little ones playing or crying.

In fact when it thunderstorms sometimes she and I go out on the porch and I sit her in my lap and we watch the lightning and feel the rain spray in gently and coolly upon our bodies and faces. When it lightnings I can see the spray on her fur and it looks like dew.

She intently looked up at the sky and followed the lightning streaks with her eyes. Sniffing the wind occasionally for some wild scents. Never flinching, squirming, or tense. Relaxed, intrigued, longing to see what it would feel like up in the sky above her. She is such a brave old girl. Car rides? She loves them. Going for a walk on a leash? Yes, please.

My constant companion whom has shown me much greater and deeper love than the majority of humans who have been in my life.

Because of this I resolved that when the day comes if I am able to have any forewarning of her passing I will hold her in my arms and sing her her favorite lullabys. I’ve reworded I don’t know how many songs to include her name and take her beautiful gentle life into adventure stories, sleepy time songs, and of course my doting love songs over my precious cat. I will stay by her side just like she has mine. My arms, hands, scent and voice, touch, body warmth and love….as much love as any human could ever possibly hold…my love for her will be the last experience she has here. She never left my side and I’ll never leave hers either. Ever. I’ll be holding her and kissing her little knobby head and singing to her until she’s in the arms of the angels.

Her gentleness is like her own cottony fur. So tender and soft you can hardly even feel it touching your skin. She’s so tiny. At the time of this writing she weighs about 6 lbs. She’s a bit underweight even though she’s small.   I’m not entirely sure what breeds she’s made from but she has a tortoise siamese colored coat and deep, dark blue eyes (that now look a bit purple in her blindness). And she’s very short, low to the ground, haha. And her little tail is short. She’s built like a munchkin but has the coat and eyes of a Siamese.

Her little multi-colored paws look like they are ringed in caramel. And she loves belly rubs. And 99% of the time doesn’t attack my hand. That 1% though….she’s got a streak. I guess if she didn’t she wouldn’t have been able to put up with mine and Margo Holder s crap all these years, hahaha. Margo often says that Talia is her spirit animal and believe me when I say, she is not wrong.

At any rate, beyond all of this the last 24 hours of her going suddenly completely blind has opened my eyes to something I’ve decided I want to do that will likely seem odd to more people than not. But, that’s how I roll anyway.

I have deep regrets about not spending as much time with my family and friends as I’d like to. I’ve allowed life to get in the way. And if I allow life to be a stumbling block…what will that mean at death?

For many years now I’ve casually researched death doulas. Most people don’t even know what a doula is much less a death doula. Now, I’m not saying I want to be or am going to be a death doula by profession. But, there are some facets of their work that I am going to implement where it’s appropriate and of course permissible.

I have decided that I want my heart to break wide open and hold my family and friends in my arms as they transition so that it is my hands, my arms, my energy, my truest and deepest love for them to be what they are enveloped in as they transition.

I’ve always been a lover. A hugger…to the point of extreme and strange awkwardness.

But, how can I apologize for that? And, for what reason should I reign it in? Covid-19 wiped millions of people off this planet in the blink of an eye comparatively speaking. And, not just Covid, but wars, disasters, political rhetoric that has risen to the point that brother is against brother. I long for the day to see field upon field joined to pastures and woodlands filled with a great many more plowshares. As it is, sheaths clamor and tremble longing for the bloodied blades to return again for fear of being found guilty before God as being accomplices.

Blood is crying out from the ground but we can’t hear it because the main stream has become the main scream and their volume has driven us to deafness. Our ears dull and listening unskilled. Our mouths boastful, arrogant and insisting on our own rights, or beliefs to be looked at as the pinnacle of truth even if it means the death of another human who doesn’t agree.

No. This world isn’t for me. So, from this point forward I’m going my own way. I’m about to do everything in my life the weirdest and most unconventional way as possible.

Life is valuable. It is precious. Sacred. Holy in its own right. How could I betray it by living anything less than 1000% authentically to who I am, to what my level and intensity of love is like, to cleave to my own philosophies formed circumspectly and carefully? How could I ever be ok with exchanging even the weirdest things about me in lieu of making myself more acceptable?   Life is too short for that. It’s too brilliantly faceted for that. I am committed to being my different self no matter what that looks like or who it may trouble.   Doing death differently…addressing the deeper, intangible components of dying and watching life transform as its vehicle weakens…is when you know you’re a catalyst and have just changed your own trajectory. Forever. I will never be the same after these last 3 years and it took my dear Talia’s blindness to open my eyes to the truth that it is in fact how life should be lived so that when we settle into the arms of death we will embrace it regretless and with the sense of an old dear friend who has come to pay a visit.

I am different. Unto death.

My desire is to be the most open, accepting, loving, heart-centered person you know.   And, if I can be that then don’t thank me or give me any accolades. Thank Margo Holder, my mamaw, my nieces and nephews, my parents, my brothers, and my intimate friends. Because it is them who have shaped me and shown me how weird love is, how unconditional it can feel, and the powerful relief it offers when you’re in the worst pain of your life. We aren’t perfect. None of us are. And far be it from me to close my mind and heart to this human experience.

We are all walking miracles. Our pets included.

August 13, 2022 0

King Mentality

These are truly the days of dreams and visions for me. This is yet another middle of the night post. Creativity seems to have saturated every cell of my body. When I’m awake I’m stewing on manifesting my wildest dreams. When I’m asleep I have vivid and highly metaphorical dreams.

And in the liminality of the 3 to 6 am time period I am inundated with vision.

So…what is Cozett contemplating at 4:19 am on a Tuesday morning? The power and beauty of healthy masculinity. And how we can heal our world through the vehicle of it.

The words, “king mentality” kept rolling around in my thoughts so I began to ponder on what it could mean. What the implications are of such a mentality, what it looks like, and how it can be extracted from centuries of toxic masculinity and off the rails patriarchy. Naturally, “queen mentality” is the balancer of these mindsets and I will get to that soon.

But right now I have a grand idea. There are so many books in me. This concept is one of them. I feel it’s crucial for our forward movement as a global society. So with that said please pray that I will have the energy, patience and commitment to see this project through to publishing? It’s important. I promise.

All of humanity looks to its past examples of heralded leaders to influence its future course. It had occurred to me that men who are alive in 2021 and reading this are in a unique and exceptional position at this point in the human race. There are golden opportunities for men in 2021 that’s never been available to them until now. Believe it or not if you are a masculine…I truly believe you are alive and reading this for a very special reason and purpose. You were meant to see this post. Your inner battle cry has been heard. Your dreams are important. Your positive impact can be immeasurable. You are so needed. Needed but also free. Free to reign like the king you are IF you recognize what’s being drawn out of the depths of who you are. You’re being summoned to greatness. Not like the greatness of the past. Not like the greatness of Nebuchadnezzar, or Tutankhamun, or King James, or John Wayne, etc.

No. 2020 served us all up something that will have lasting implications for many lifetimes after this blog is posted and my book is (hopefully) published.

There is not one human life on the earth that hasn’t been touched by the Covid-19 pandemic. Whether you got sick, know someone who did, mourned someone who died from it…or never got sick, never knew anyone who did and never knew of anyone who died from it and was just irritated by the inconvenience and media coverage of it. It has affected us all at some level. This should be a common ground for us all. So don’t lose sight of the value of other humans who wave to you from the other end of the spectrum.

So where am I going with all of this? This post is a kick-off of sorts for some research I’m going to undertake to interview men from every country of the world. I am blessed to have an international readership and YouTube community. I’m so grateful that nearly every single day I am having interesting, if brief, interactions with people from dozens of different countries, religions, and socio-economic contexts. I talk with people who belong to tribes, live in villages, live in remote places, and have wildly different opinions and world views from my own.

And, I LOVE the tension that is held between my own values and opinions and those of the people who have such different views. You really can enjoy the company and pressure that sometimes comes from such diversity. The secret to the thrill and enjoyment of such company is that you each share 2 core values. #1. Love of humanity. #2. An open mind that isn’t hostile to being challenged. In other words an ego that is in check. If you share just these 2 things…you can enjoy the company of any human regardless of differences. Talk about opening up new worlds right?? An incredibly rich opportunity to see the world through someone else’s eyes and hear the heartbeat of the earth with someone else’s ears. To feel perceive and sense with a skin other than your own. Is that not exciting??

On July 27th 2021 I am eager to discover who the kings of the 3rd millenium are. They do not rule like their forefathers did.

If you’re familiar with the term, “divine feminine” you probably understand that after thousands of years of masculine rule we have and are shifting into the era of the divine feminine. The pendulum has swung and the future is female. It’s not just a nifty feminist soundbite. It’s the natural progression of the course of humanity. I am stoked to be a woman pioneering in this age. And because I recognize it I want to make sure I do it right so I can be the trailblazer that this wild and wonderful Universe has called me to be.

I want to be a divine feminine who helps set the stage for a better society for women and girls. But in wisdom I perceive this can’t be done by “stripping men of their power and puking in the face of patriarchy.” (As much as I have wanted to at times, admittedly.) No. The wise woman is a healer. And healers are seers of sorts. They can perceive wounds that others can’t. They can see the wounds of people who don’t even know they carry them. That is one thing that the masculine era taught us. To disconnect from our pain. Because pain is weakness and weakness is vulnerability and vulnerability does not perpetuate the human race.

So how can I best serve women and girls and the feminine collective? I can do this by reaching out to the masculine collective and encourage them to come up higher. I mean that’s one of the largest roots of societal problems around the world right? The majority of ALL violence is committed by men. Rapes, wars, murders, oppression, religious domination, originated and have been perpetuated largely by men. All of those things are symptoms. Not that men are bad. Not that patriarchy is by nature toxic. No. Patriarchy is fatherhood. Good fathers are indeed like shepherds. Protectors. Nurturers. We’ve been given a bad example. We have been living for thousands of centuries with toxic masculinity. But it only exists because of wounds and to some degree the early drives to survive and escape dinosaurs and such.

So this is one of my plans to make the world a better place. I want to hear from YOU.

What in your mind is a king?

What in your mind defines healthy masculinity?

Who have been positive masculine examples in your life? Whether personally or perhaps some public figure.

As we dance into the feminine era and tap in to all the mysterious and esoteric wisdom, and healing it offers…I still wanna hear it…for the boy…(Song: Let’s hear it for the boy by Deniece Williams.)

#divinemasculine #divinefeminine #cozettcontemplates #divinefemininerising #patriarchy #toxicmasculinity #inspiration #blogger #writer #international #King #KingMentality #Queen #queenmentality

July 27, 2021 0

My Existential Musings

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June 16, 2021 0

I AM Coming As You Can See

Interesting perspective wouldn’t you say? It never fails. It never fails that when I lie on the ground and all my weight is born upon the coolness of the earth that my perspective and understanding about life is tweaked. This is why as often as possible I try to do a lot of photography from the ground looking up/out.

As I lay on the earth and journal…and create my 2021 there are lots of families with little ones running around. I am this seemingly removed space of quietness existing within the bustling activity and energy of children. Creative energy abounds.

Above me there is a concrete path. On this path were some parents with 3 kids probably ages 11, 8 and 4 if I had to guess. The older kids kept pace with their parents as they made their way to their car. The youngest lagged behind.

Her movement forward didn’t look like her family’s movement forward. But she was making progress nonetheless.

Her path forward was filled with tip toeing, skipping, jumping, stopping to see what was in the cracks of the pavement and lots of laughter…..for seemingly no reason.

Her mom stopped, turned back and said to her, “Come on.” Her 4 years old reply: “I am coming as you can see.” 😆 And she continued forward happily in her same playful and inquisitive manner.

I thought, “well. She isn’t wrong! She is coming. It’s just her movement forward didn’t look the same as the rest of her family.” She was progressing in her OWN unique way.

I want to encourage you today. Your progress forward doesn’t have to look like your family’s way forward. It doesn’t have to look like your religion’s way forward. It doesn’t have to look the same as your social circle’s way forward.

And her parents could see that she was coming. She was absolutely right. I found it intriguing that she at 4’ish years of age….spoke her truth but that truth wasn’t plain to see by those with brains more developed.

This is a lesson for life. Often the truth is obscure. And sometimes you may be one of the few who sees it. That doesn’t mean you are better or more of a sage. It means you have an opportunity to enjoy life in ways that others can’t. And for that you should be deeply grateful.

This is why it is imperative to be your most authentic self. Had she moved forward the way her parents and siblings did she would have missed the treasures and curiosities in the cracks of the pavement. They weren’t laughing or enjoying their journey it seemed. But she was all giggles for no good reason.

This year I am resolved to move forward on MY unique path. And I am resolved to be okay with it when others say my way forward isn’t the right way. What do they know?? They don’t see between the cracks. They aren’t enjoying their journey. They don’t seem to be fascinated or captivated or intrigued by all the energies and potentials around them. In fact I think many have lost their capacity for magic.

So this year if you find yourself looking at my posts saying, “Come on 🙄. My reply to you is, “I AM coming as you can see.” It just likely won’t look the same way as you are moving forward. And that is….ok 🙌🏻

Here’s to #2021 #cozettcontemplates forward movement

January 2, 2021 0

We Are All A Walking Eclipse

You…yes you. And I. As long as we are in this body we will be both darkness and light. The intensity of the darkness and light will fluctuate in intensity as we journey. That is because none of us are static. We are not fixed beings.

I don’t care how much work Jesus does in you. I don’t care how much inner work you do. How much space you hold. How many vices you conquer. You will NOT take your last breath in a state of 100% virtue.

Since that’s the case…why are we so freaking uncomfortable when we see both darkness and light in another person?

I am convinced if we are ever going to attain the pinnacle of what is possible for existence in a flesh suit…then we have to embrace non-dualism and surrender any inclinations we may have in whipping morality or high ideals into the people around us.

Morality, love, virtue…these are things that laws cannot create.

Why do I want to be a good person? It’s not because of my fear of being locked up or penalized if I don’t meet someone else’s expectations and measure up to their ideals.

It’s because I am inspired by the behavior of other good people. Not because there is a cop, a preacher, a sheikh, a Buddha or some other moral “authority” looming large over me.

When I see good and it’s impact…it’s the example not the threat that provokes me to aspire to do and be better.

I promise you this. Your light makes people jealous. Your darkness makes people want to capitalize on your weakness so that they appear more blameless.

Either way you go….you are going to make someone uncomfortable. You are going to make someone mad. You are going to encounter jealousy.

And, when you are comfortable letting other people see….really really see your nature that is both dark and light it will either push them out of your life because they haven’t grown to a point they are able to accommodate the grandness and the mystery that is you OR it will draw them into a place where they can FINALLY love and accept themselves and get unstuck in life.

The greatest gift we can give someone else is love. And, love is so much more expansive than we give it credit for.

I heard a quote recently from Hamlet. “There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.”

None of us have a monopoly on the understanding of the profundity and full implication of love.

Love is an ever unfolding multiverse in and of itself. The bounds of it can’t be found. So why do we want to bind people to what we should acknowledge is a limited and flawed philosophy of love?

I am pro human. I love and embrace your humanity. It is no threat to me. I celebrate the nuanced picture I am able to see of you. We all have non-congruent qualities. For many people….recognizing non-congruent qualities in another person often is taken as a red flag. But, the majority of the time there is no reason for that. It is a survival instinct. It is a base instinct.

All my life I have felt like someone on the outside of life looking in at everyone else. I have tons of non-congruent qualities. Sometimes that bothers me (particularly if I’ve spent any time around people who are naturally critical and easily offended.) Other times these qualities are a comfort for me, things that amuse me about myself that puts a sparkle in my eyes because I find myself so funny for holding so much darkness and light at the same time.

I am so tired of living life on the auto pilot that is political correctness. I am over living my life in fawn mode with a false sense of guilt over religious expectations. I will never be completely virtuous. And, you won’t either.

I will continue to live my life inspired and called by goodness rather than in mindless reaction to fear of chastisement. There is no fear in love right?

My greatest desire in life is to empower and encourage people to be who they are authentically without fear of some sort of being exiled for being who they are. Got darkness? Great!! Me too!! Got light?? Awesome!! Shine with me?? Let’s prove to the world that we are inherently both and that IS inherently ok.

November 11, 2020 0

“Hate to be so emotional
I didn’t mean to get physical
But when he pulled in and revved it up
I said you call that a pickup truck
And in the moonlight I throwed him down
A kicking, screaming, a rolling around
A little piece of a bloody tooth
Just so you know I was thinking of you
Just so you know I was oh….” Kings of Leon- Pickup Truck.

My new way of processing the hardships of life is stealing away in these hard to find moments to just sit in the pouring rain. Life has been so much I feel myself losing all ability to be apologetic. I am just so done with the prevailing criticism and unforgiving and merciless culture that our country has found itself in.

In my life love, mercy, compassion, accommodation, and hospitality rule. I have zero desire to analyze my fellow humans for the sake of pointing out perceived character flaws. I have zero desire to sensitize myself to potential offense.

Humanity is swampy. We are like one giant mosh pit of beliefs, traditions, cultures, philosophies, etc. It is inevitable we are going to crash into each other in this grand concert of life. It is inevitable someone is gonna sweat on us. Someone is gonna trip us, fall into us, push us. And if you can’t handle that and you’re so touchy then maybe the human experience isn’t for you.

And just like in the thrill of crowdsurfing at a concert someone is…..going to drop you. And if that is too much for you to handle then don’t bother going for the adventure to begin with.

I remember a concert back in my late teens. It was a grunge band. In this massive arena I was able to secure a spot on the floor and center stage of one of my favorite bands. There were people smoking, and screaming and moshing and just fully living the experience. I decided to jump into a mosh pit and found myself lifted up and crowdsurfing. It all happened so fast (life happens so fast.) It was such a rush!! I don’t even know how long I was above the crowd. It was so much fun and so wild and seemingly outta control. And I loved it. The people who were bearing me up in their hands were cheering and sweating and I felt so alive. But, it hurt. Their hands dug into my spine, bruised my back and my legs, cut my arm and I lost one of my shoes and then as quickly as I had been hoisted into the air as my favorite band roared about their own existential crisis (typical of grunge bands. If you know you know.) I was dropped.

I fell all my weight onto one of my knees and then some dude got pushed and he fell over me and stepped on my fingers.

And you know what??? I wouldn’t effin change that experience. Ever.

Are you kidding me?? A teenager. Front row, center stage. No. I am not going to complain. I am going to live.

There is a price to pay if you want to fully live.

There is a price to pay if you dare live out who you really are on the inside.

In life…you have front row, center stage with all the glory and frailty of humanity swirling around you.

Are you going to hone in on every person who accidentally crashes into your ego?? Because if you find yourself offended at someone else’s shortcomings and they’re not “measuring up” to your “reasonable” standards then that’s where you are. You’re in your ego. You’re in yourself. You’re foolishly squandering your front row, center stage.

And when you look back you’re not gonna remember the concert. No. You’re gonna remember, “well this person didn’t do this or that person didn’t do that or this person just isn’t a person of character. “

And all the while you’ve lost the big picture.

You surmise that the totality of a person’s nature can only be seen and measured by the moments they dropped you. By the moments they crashed into you.

Forsaking the understanding that we are all human and we are all doing the best we can with the time we have.

STOP living in perpetual offense! You have front row, center stage. The grunge band is roaring. You will never have this moment again. Can you hear my pleading??

Does anyone hear what I’m trying to say?? Am I alone in this??

In the rain at Renaissance Park in Chattanooga, TN

November 11, 2020 0

Reflections On Dualism: Transitioning Into Greater Dimensions

I’ve slept maybe 3 hours. I’ve thought all night about subjectivity and relativity. About vibrance and frailty. About the fading nature of seemingly pinnacle pursuits and how very much I’ve grown as a human and am growing. I have undergone major paradigm shifts in the last 3 years or so and pain and sorrow have been the catalysts for all of them. My philosophy about the human experience has always been a circumspect one. But there has been an added robustness to my circumspection over the last few years. I have shed and shed and shed old skin to the point that I often feel raw and vulnerable and uncertain if I have the toughness that comes with older skin to endure my journey onward.

But I truly understand now that while tough skin may feel more comfortable as it is harder to the elements it is also the epitome of an attempt to constrain something that is boundless and infinite in nature and that is my inner world. My inner self.

What a walking contradiction we each are.

The way our brains interpret the world around us and cobble together a conscious reality is fascinating, beautiful and brute all at the same time. We will only ever possess a fragmented reality at best. You will never fully know me and I will never fully know you. But blessed are they who journey inwardly. In as much that we might better know ourselves and grasp at the shadows and light that we all have within us with unashamed and unapologetic courage and tenacity.

It’s not enough to know yourself in your most basic survivalistic form. In fact if that’s all you ever know it’s a smack in the face and an insult to your purpose and your fleeting time in service to your fellow humans.

There is so much more to you….than the you that you currently know. There is an entire ether that lies below your skin and in between every cell in your body.

You are worth the discovery. And if you are not trekking through the no man’s land of your inner world, your shadow lands and exploring the brilliant multi-faceted and multi-dimensional landscapes of your soul then you are missing out on one of the most mysterious wonders of this world.

Today I call you to rise. You are capable of greater. You are inherently expansive. You are on this planet at this time for a grand reason. Find it. And once you find it….pursue it, hone it, experiment feeling in advance all the potential emotions that would accompany it.

Our emotions are not truths in and of themselves. But they are wonderful devices for alchemizing pain. And that alchemy can lead us to places where we continually set and achieve higher goals. Goals with ends that cannot be contained within fading contexts and ever changing realities.

There is more. There is so much more for you and to you.

In our current culture we are so set on analyzing every word, every movement and nuance we pick up on in someone else.

It is time to turn our gaze inward and realize that time spent analyzing someone would be better spent knowing yourself.

I urge you to pay attention to how much time you spend sizing others up and trying to determine who you think they are (because you will never actually know that) versus how much time you spend trying to discover parts of yourself that have lied dormant and neglected because you’ve invested so much time and energy determining why you should either demonize or saint someone outside yourself.

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November 7, 2020 0

What Are The Mechanics Of Receiving?

Thinking today about all the good things I deserve. Life, love, respect, fun, rest, good sleep, etc.

When I think about the good things it occurs to me that in order to have them I need to “come” to receive them.

Here’s what I mean. Say you get a notice that you have a package at the post office waiting on you. And, you know it’s something you’ve been wanting for a long time. You have the emotion or feeling of being excited.

But. It’s not going to be brought to you. It’s going to require work and cost to get it. 1. You have to leave your house. 2. You have to drive. 3. You use gas to get there and back. 4. You spend time in the getting. 5. And, if you’re a southern introvert like me you have to endure random interactions with strangers while smiling as they hand you the package when you arrive at the desk, possibly after standing in line.

For some reason I have a disconnect when it comes to receiving. I am willing to show up and do the work. But, after that it’s like I’m standing at the postal desk smiling back and forth with a stranger and the reception never happens.

I don’t know “how” to receive. Like, what are the mechanics of receiving? Maybe I’m guarded? Maybe it’s the self-hatred I’ve unearthed and am still working through? Maybe its skepticism about what’s really in store for me?

All I know is that I feel called to, “come and receive.” And, try as I may I never get beyond the part where I show up.

Anyone else relate to this?

How do you receive all the good things you need and deserve? The good things being offered to you.

There is a verse from Matthew’s gospel that has tugged at me for some years now. And, I can’t help but feel such resistance and ignorance when I meditate on it.

Jesus Christ quoted as saying:

“Come to Me all you who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.”

To further expand on the original Greek tenses and richness of context and spirit for the verse The Message reads it like this: “Come to Me. Get away with Me. You’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with Me and work with Me- watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything ill-fitting on you. Keep company with Me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

(Matthew 11:28-30).

What are the mechanics of receiving?

I understand allowing is part of this puzzle. I understand that perhaps open arms, or up turned hands are part of it. But, I feel there is some sort of inner disposition and maybe spiritual quality involved that I either don’t have or just need to develop in order to receive good things.

What are some of the best things you’ve ever received?

How did they come to you or how did you come to them?

Were you able to receive quickly and readily?

What advice would you give to help someone you care about understand how to receive?

February 7, 2020 0

Healing The Past

On the path of self-actualization we understand that we are striving to be better. In that pursuit of betterment its common to reference the past. After all, this is from where we grow. Our past, good or bad or indifferent serves as a springboard or a contrast. It can show us who we no longer want to be and the emotional charge we have when we think about it can create the momentum needed to make progress toward actualizing.

As someone who is known as a listener I can think of basically three narratives I’ve heard concerning people’s past and how it shapes what they want for their future. The classic “bad” past, where pain functions as the prompt to betterment. We see this in a lot of famous motivational and inspirational speakers. The “good” past, where someone was fortunate enough to be born into a family or tradition that was conducive for growth and that person is so inspired by their forebears they want to build on the legacy they’ve been left. And, the “indifferent” past. Basically, its colorless. Normal ups and downs. But, the person feels that due to the lack of intensity in either direction they are somehow at a disadvantage to leave their mark on the world. And, so they are in a search for passion, purpose and meaning.

Recently, I’m thankful to have been experiencing profound growth. My character has been tested. My understanding of the world around me has grown. My emotions have been pummeled. The very foundations of “why” I think the way I do are being shaken. I’m growing. I’m moving toward betterment and away from deleterious thinking and behavior. And, now that I’m beginning to see a definite chasm between who I once was and who I’d like to think I am becoming I’ve noticed that my past is coming up seemingly out of the blue. Its as though its emerging from the recesses of me and saying, “remember me. I need help too. Please don’t forget I am part of your healing journey. I, your past, am not some character that deserves to be quarantined. I was once you. And, because of that I also deserve all the health that you are creating for the new you.”

Deep right? Painful? Wow. So much. Thankfully, about the time my past started stirring in my consciousness so did this theme of “compassion as medicine.” When I saw these two things emerging together I knew it was time to examine some of my behaviors and thinking from the past but not for the purpose of crucifying myself in some grand effort to be a better person. I intuitively understood that for me to forge ahead into this bright future I’m hoping for myself that I needed to, for the first time, show compassion and minister mercy to who I once was.

In thinking about healing from the past I discovered that I was presenting myself with only two options: “killing” the old me or coping better. Maybe you can identify with this? There are more options. Better options. I think its safe to say that many people who feel bound by the past often want that part of them or that part of their history to “die.” But, that isn’t a great option. Death is indicative of numbness and unfeeling. A sense of non-existence. But, I submit that feeling…deeply and intentionally and comprehensively could be a portal of sorts to freedom and growth. I want to challenge anyone who reads this…not to numb out. Your emotions are sacred. Your intuition is more trustworthy than you give it credit for and I believe it is in the feeling “through” that our true north can be found. Now, with that said don’t beat yourself for wanting to numb out!

I believe that in an effort to mute pain and to lend strength to the momentum of who we are becoming our wounded egos can sometimes cause us to segue to an unproductive mindset that says, “the new me, the stronger and better me must rush in and bitterly scourge my past self if the better me I’m becoming is to be valid.” This is actually quite common amongst deeply religious people. Those who feel they are on the highest quest to express their need for redemption are often the worst in their tendency to mutilate their inner being. When really their greatest need is healing. In my own experience I’ve discovered that this rush to scourge and chastise the past part of me was/is an effort to create peace and closure. Sounds counter-productive because it is! Once I recognized this I gave myself permission to not only feel through my past (notice I didn’t say “think through”) but to honor who I was at one time. This is very healing. Highly recommend it. At the end of the day we each make decisions based on our current state of enlightenment, education, emotional maturity, needs, and circumstances. And, I happen to naturally believe the best about people so I believe that we are all doing the best we can with what we have. Negative emotions of depression, anxiety, or regret do NOT carry the innate ability to compensate for a painful past. They only create a vicious cycle of self-defeating and self-sabotaging patterns.

If we want to honestly prime ourselves and position ourselves to be better its time to release the habit of going to dark places when striving for the light. Read that again, please? Its time to relearn how to do this thing called life. If you are a self-aware person you’ll know your patterns. And, I want to encourage you to start intentionally swapping negative mindsets and emotions for more life-giving ones. Give yourself time to feel through the past and the permission to honor who you once were. Just as you would honor the dearly departed and imperfect people who have been a part of your life you should also do this for yourself. It is a healing balm. And, as of now, what I believe the higher way to heal the past.

Here’s to the medicine of compassion. Salut.

January 26, 2020 0

Below The Surface

I think one of the reasons self-hatred is so sneaky is because it’s not something that the ego will allow. Or, if it does allow it certainly won’t allow you to consciously acknowledge it.

My childhood and adolescence was very disempowering. I was given no scaffolding to grow. I was taught that my feelings didn’t matter and that I wasn’t capable of having an opinion.

While I didn’t really think that I believed these things as an adult my behaviors and boundaries have told a different story.

Sitting quietly. Allowing my mind to explore and acknowledge some bad decisions I’ve made that I knew would cost me peace and physical health has been very empowering and transformative.

In these times of meditation I’ve been able to go below the surface of my loudest thoughts and beliefs into the deeper places that are harder to sound. Places in my mind that are like long abandoned, dusty, ancient libraries. This exploration is like walking into a room where no one has been in millenia. It has a stillness that is unfamiliar. It feels profound. It stirs a curiosity as to why it’s so unvisited. And, therein lies a powerful truth. Noise. Loudness. Disruption. Turmoil. Discord. Those are the things that get attention. And why is that? We are wired for self-preservation. Whenever anything threatening comes up that is where all of our focus goes. Unfortunately, our modern lives operate on the premise of scarcity even though we are surrounded by abundance. More is always being required of us. More hours at work. More patience because someone or something is always trying us. And, we find ourselves in a rhythm where we exist in operating in the loud areas of our minds.

Yet there is better for us. There is a richness we are sacrificing. There is wisdom and love and understanding that we are exchanging for desperation and fight or flight. We are pushed to perform everyday of our lives and the concept of just “being” is becoming more foreign by the day.

I am determined to spend more time in this transcendent and quiet place where there are messages of empowerment. I’m tapping into a confidence in my long neglected inner compass. I’m positioned to honor my intuition. I’m becoming comfortable enforcing my boundaries. I’m feeling hopeful and eager and optimistic about uncovering the hidden aspects of me and all the ways I’m going to be strengthened by these discoveries The mind

January 5, 2020 0