Tag: mental health

Preamble to My Pain

Waffling between numb and horrified
I walk stupefied

Living in liminality and trapped by technicality I lie awake at night stunned at my reality

I feel like my body is an alien craft and a tiny, weird, and scared version of me is at the helm.  I live in overwhelm.

I languish in the labyrinth like a woman whose labor has stopped.  Dripping sweat and full of regret I wail at the walls.

I’m losing cognition in this latest rendition.

I feel like an animal experiment.  Torture is my accoutrement.

I can’t outpace what’s been running me down.  I can’t hide from being found.

I can’t get through to the world outside of my skin.  There is no safe space that is my place to decompress in.

Non-stop need and ravaged by greed I am disbursed like chum in bloody water

I write to right.  I think to talk.  I speak my dream. And all anyone does is balk.

I am lost upon the collective.  I am lost within the collective.  I silently drown while people notice I’m reflective.

Cozett Contemplates her poetry…

#cozettcontemplates #poetry #publishedauthor

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Inevitable Moments

There are these inevitable moments in life. Today I got word that a 3rd member of my family has died. My poor father is shaken with grief as this was his older brother. It seems there was a lot left unsaid. And, honestly I don’t blame that on either one of them. I blame it on life. This is the 3rd unexpected death in 9 months. To be perfectly honest, I began heavily medicating after the second one back in December. And, I don’t mean I’m staying high. I’m just taking a lot of prescriptions to hold me steady so I can still function mentally. I still haven’t regained my ability to walk more than about 1800 steps per day with lots of rest periods and that still carries a bit of repercussion with bouts of tachycardia at bed time when my body is trying so hard to recover from the strain of movement on top of the emotional trauma of the past year. My cat died, my mother died, I lost 2 vehicles, almost got evicted, had to move in with a relative because I can’t afford rent anywhere anymore due to soaring cost of living and I’m not able to work right now and won’t be able to for quite some while. I lost a younger cousin. The last surviving son of my elderly uncle. I can’t believe he lost both of his children and faces his elder years without them. I can’t believe me and my mamaw and brother have to face the future without my mother. There’s just so much. And, while I’ve said since 2017, “I can’t take anymore.” I do. I’m writing this because I’ve just taken so much more than I ever dreamed possible and still survive it. Granted, I have lost my mobility to emotional trauma and stress and I am heavily medicated and have packed on more weight than I thought I ever would. I have taken a toll. But, I’m here. Writing.

There are these moments in life that are inevitable. And it sucks when they all pile up together rather than being spaced out allowing time for recovery before the next crisis. But, here I am. Doing all the nervous system things, leaning on my friends, loving on my family, appreciative of the shelter, helping where and how I can. And, writing. Oh, I also made the Dean’s list at University and am about to publish my first book in about a week or so. All this during the hardest years of my adult life. And, I’m middle-aged and that sucks honestly. Because of the crisis I have not been afforded the opportunity to find the “finally don’t care” attitude that I hear women talk about when they get a certain age. I haven’t found the solidity women say they feel at my age because to walk in my world feels like the globe has been greased and I too have been oiled and walk on it slick and naked. Vulnerable and no balance. My world feels like a greased pole where the floor is lava.

There are these inevitable moments in life. And, when they come…you can’t pray them away, you can’t manifest them away, you can’t cuss them away, you can’t wish them away, you can’t science them away, you can’t psychology them away, you can’t religion them away, you can’t God them away, you can’t spell them away, you can’t gather an army of friends, family, or politicians to resist them or tell them to go away, you can’t write them away, you can’t therapy them away, you can’t spiritual them away, you can’t atheist them away, you can’t hide from them, you can’t run from them, you can’t deny them, you can’t sublimate them, you can’t pay them away, you can’t doctor them away, you can’t medicate them away, you can’t exercise them away, you can’t work them away, you can’t sleep them away, you can’t drink them away, you can’t starve them away, you can’t not see them.

But, you can allow your friends to love you through them, you can let your family hold you through them, you can let your cat or your dog lay on your chest and lick your tears as they fall. You can open your chest wide and accept that these moments are life too. You can acknowledge that your steps are in sync with the march of humanity and that your footfalls imprint the human continuum and whether it feels like it or not you are right where you’re supposed to be. You, me, we….are part of the marvel. The dynamic, diverse, prism that is humanity. One massive, non-congruent, yet deeply cohesive at the same time, collective unconscious, reflectively conscious, forging forth for a better day.

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Cozett Contemplates Being A Healer

You used to be so nice~ It was because I was afraid of the implications of displeasing you.

You’re so strong & such an inspiration ~ It’s because of my survival instinct and because I’m naturally a good person

You’re so brave~ My nervous system would no longer allow me to tolerate the confines of the box people wanted me in. It was either tear it apart or continue to betray my emotional well-being

You must be an empath~ I’m hypervigiliant. I’m highly attuned to the energy of others because I was traumatized as a child.

As a trauma survivor you find yourself on a continuum. There is a linear space, thread, that runs from your childhood, into your present, and reaches out before you in the time to come. Like a train track you can stand on any point of it and feel the vibration of the train whether its behind you or has passed you. It doesn’t matter if you can see it. You can still feel it its vibration. Its energy.

As if in a dream, you find yourself experiencing an alternate reality than that of those around you, and you’re constantly teaching yourself what’s real and what’s not, what to hang on to, and what to let go of.

People who have experienced emotional trauma have brain changes, similar to those who have had concussions.

Emotions, feelings, are so powerful they can physically reshape the structure of your brain and thereby color your reality. Thankfully, neuroplasticity is a thing. But, healing is something that needs support and takes work. And while the trauma isn’t your fault you are the one who will have to take the responsibility to heal what you didn’t harm. That feels unfair and is traumatic in its own sense.

This is why its imperative…..to not feel like you have to be nice to everyone. Because everyone….isn’t supporting the healing of your brain and nervous system. Everyone isn’t guarding your heart and prioritizing your well-being or creating safe spaces for you or trying to understand the decisions you make.

In fact, most people aren’t critical thinkers. For many it’s never occurred to them how they could make the world a better place by looking through the lenses of others and a lot of people have zero desire to do so even if it has occurred to them. The fact is, that those with narrow emotional experience, narrowed and selective perspectives that require people to believe the way they do, behave the way they do, see the world and others the way they do creates disenfranchisement because it automatically has the implication that there are consequences for people who aren’t like them.

So here we are as trauma survivors. Healing from harm we didn’t create. Creating corners of safe space from spaces that others assume should only belong to them.

I want to take this post and tell trauma survivors how amazing, dynamic, multi-faceted, emotionally intelligent, beautiful, powerful, and expansive they are. You have amazing qualities that evolved on the inside of you. You are an evolved human being. You have space on the inside of you. That space is capacity. Capacity for good. Capacity gives you the ability to receive that narrowness cannot afford you.

I believe that humanity has begun a massive shift. A shift that values emotional intelligence and expansiveness and tolerance. A shift of conviction.

There will be a collective of humanity who deeply hold the belief that it is better to be a bridge builder for every chasm is better than clinging to feeling superior because of what “sets them apart.”

There will be a collective of…us…who deeply believe that to be a healer isn’t something relegated only to licensed professionals or the “spiritually” gifted. Healing belong to humanity. Period. It is expressed in community not division. It is given and received in relationship with those who understand that though we are many, ultimately we are one.

I refuse to be anything other than safe. I refuse to be anything other than a healer. I refuse to be anything other than whole.

And, if you’re not of this same energy you can’t be in MY energy. At all. My health cannot afford you.

The community I’m creating, the circle I’m curating, the reality I’m shaping is necessarily humane, good, sovereign.

Cozett Contemplates the conviction of what it means to be a healer

Yours in emotional intelligence,

Cozett Dunn

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Cozett Contemplates: Your Write To Heal…

Cozett Contemplates writing to heal trauma…

For trauma survivors it’s hard to feel like you can ever again be fully safe. High-alert is a constant state of being. And, appearing relaxed and “normal” becomes a survival skill.

This has been one of my most honed life skills. I learned early on that to show disquiet…distress…or to speak out…would rock the boat. The fact is, is that when people become uncomfortable…things slow down as they try figure out:

1. What’s wrong with the person who’s upset?
2. How do I feel about what I’m hearing and seeing from this traumatized person?
3. Do I believe what I’m being told by this person?
4. How can I help in ways that won’t disrupt my own life?
5. Should I reach out to others to aid me if I help this person?
6. Are there problems too much for me and should I just keep moving and trust someone else will help?

These are just a few of the processes people sort through when thinking about how to help the traumatized.

As you can see not only are trauma survivors sorting through a lot of emotions and questions but so are those with whom we open to.

Because of all those processes and the time and energy it takes I decided as a child that I wouldn’t seek help. I couldn’t waste energy getting rejected over and over by people who didn’t have the capacity to hold space for me. I needed that energy to keep moving. Because life doesn’t stop. Even for the wounded.

As I’ve sojourned into middle-age and resolved to become more authentic, unapologetic, shameless, proactive, and courageous….I face the challenge that vulnerability brings.

Vulnerability, even for non-traumatized individuals is hard. But, as someone who has known what it is to be stripped bare of any ability to trust and feel safe it is especially…hard. I know I’m not alone with this?

This is the original reason I began to write to begin with. It was never because I thought I was good at it, or because it was a hobby for my free time. It was never because I had writing peers or was part of a book club or even a poetry lover! If you know my poetic soul that may seem surprising. 😆

I began to write because there weren’t enough tears. I couldn’t cry enough to even come close to releasing and processing all I’d been through and was going through.

I had so much pent up pain and agony that I needed the entirety of my being to release and cry as much as I did it just wasn’t cleansing me.

So I took to my keyboard. While hot tears streaked my face the fire of my words set ablaze my laptop and phone screens.

I held nothing back. There was no person who could hold space for me….so I created my own space. Private. Free from scrutiny. And it was as wide and as long and as endless as my pain.

My writing space could hold everything. And therefore it could hold me.

I want to encourage you today, if you’re a trauma survivor to know that even when humans can’t hold space for you…that there is a wide open and endless space available to you that can be curated by and for you.

Maybe you’re not looking to publish but you would like to heal? And you’d like to not do that alone?

I’m offering spaces for you. If you’d like to write to heal…alongside me….I’d be honored to hold, share and lead that space.

Reach out to me if this sounds like something your soul is calling for and together we will create the space for you to be held, seen, understood.

I love you. I really do.

Cozett Dunn

#cozettcontemplates #traumasurvivor #writingtherapy #lifecoach #author #healer #traumahealing #traumarecovery #traumainformed #mentalhealthmatters

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The Energy Of Obligation: First Vacation In 11 years

I just got home from Perdido Key, FL in the US. It was only 4 nights but it’s the first real vacation I’ve had since 2012.

I am…home. But. I experience myself as a citizen of Earth. So, I am here….but will always be….there….and there…and over there as well….

Being in my apartment in Hixson…isn’t my dwelling time. It is a pause to rest then plot my next course. Which could be Thailand, India, Europe, Florida…who knows. All I know….is my soul is nomadic.

My sweet little mamaw told me the other day, “I’m so surprised. Shocked really. You never grew up traveling. We never did any traveling. It seems odd. But, I’m happy for you. I just want you to be safe. You’re braver than I am. Just be careful.”

There are few things in my life that…facilitate….me being able to fully feel any experience other than suffering.

One of those things is travel. It’s the only time I am fully happy. And, because this trip was the first vacation I’ve had since 2012 that I haven’t had to work and respond to calls, emails, texts, and more, I was able to finally release my phone without giving into fear of “letting someone down because I’m not immediately available to them.”

I’ve lived an on-call lifestyle 7 days per week since 2012. Sit with that. It’s emotionally devastating.

The energy of obligation even if you’re not fielding a bunch of calls….still depletes your energy stores, your joy isn’t full, your happiness is laced with dread, and some of my trips were absolutely ruined by customers or clients who chewed me out during vacation.

Sit with that. That’s freakin hard. A single woman who doesn’t have a college education. Who has multiple health issues that won’t allow for a 40 hour per week clock job without getting fired due to chronic conditions. Yet, not sick enough to qualify for any assistance.

The entirety of my life before 44 years old has been quite unkind.

I deserve the next 44 (plus) to make up for every tear I’ve cried, for every panic attack I’ve spiraled out of control, for every ER visit, for every expensive therapy session (that I really couldn’t afford).

I deserve the rest of my time here to make up for every man who has cheated on me, lied to me, compared me to other women, talked down to me, bet against me, body shamed me, mentally and verbally abused me, and abandoned me.

We are more than a social media feed. There are definitive reasons behind the decisions people like me make that do not make sense to, or offend others.

And, for those shortsighted or selfish enough to not think through the possible reasons I am (or you are) not meeting their needs…then maybe they deserve the discomfort of the decision I (or you) made. Maybe my lack of presence (or yours) will be the catalyst they need….to awaken. To understand that just because they are a: client, customer, family member, friend, etc. That their role in your life, whether it be personal or professionally based….does not preclude you from being autonomous….WITHOUT REPERCUSSION.

Because, let’s face it. When someone “punishes” you or myself by taking away their business, or freezing you out of the family or a friendship….that is in a nutshell….manipulation. An intentional willingness that gets off on causing those with less leverage in this life….to suffer.

More on this some other time. But, I’ve said all of that to say this…personal power is a right. And just because you enjoying your autonomy makes someone uncomfortable or feel some kind of way…is no sign that you have to betray yourself in an effort to keep them approving of you.

So much more is coming. Stay tuned.

Cozett Contemplates

#cozettcontemplates #thecatalystpodcast #autonomy #personalpower #relationshiprevolution #travel #travelblogger #traveltheroad #thejourney #lifepath #perdidokey #perdidokeyflorida #pensacola #sunset

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The Intrigue Of Our Ignorance

Self-aware
Unconscious upheavals

I repose in my hermit’s lair
Wondering at the evils

I have only questions and sincere curiosity
Pearls before swine is fake luminosity

Biologically pathological
Hypnotically illogical

The passers-by on the street both intrigue me and concern me.

Ontologically astrological
Neurologically cosmological

What do our psyches share?
Your sinister glare driven by need
My awkward stare trying to get a read

Do I even belong here?  I think not.
If that were so I’d cast my lot

But as it is and as it’s always been
I live on the outside looking in

As it was and as it is now
I live from the inside out as evidenced by my furrowed brow

I don’t understand.  I really don’t.  But, let me heap some cognitive dissonance upon these sentiments.  There there.  All better now.

Who does? You may ask.  As we pass around the delusion flask.

None of its real is it?  “Of course it is!” You laugh.  As our teacher talks backwards drawing a nursery rhyme graph.

I sit and quietly think, “what is one to make of all this??”  It’s like living in the film, “Rabbits, or The Matrix, or the old school “Clash of the Titans.”

We really are going there?  Our continuum has found its chiasm.  And we are plunging into irony.  Each side thinking of the other, “the joke is on you.”

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Cozett Contemplates The Undreamed

Cozett Contemplates the undreamed…

As far back as I can remember self-inquiry has been one of the most powerful trailblazing tools I’ve ever utilized.

Everyday we move through our thought lives and external routines by our subconscious assessment of a predictable future & a well-rehearsed past.

Maybe we’ve been on our jobs 15 years and in the back of our mind we know we will get the opportunity to retire soon. Or, perhaps we have always been unlucky in love and based on our previous patterns it looks only logical that our future will likely not include the partner we want.

Now, let’s talk about how we dare to dream…anyway.

In spite of our predictable future and the likelihoods that seem will inevitably play out as our path unfolds it is only human nature to hope for better. To dream for more. To want more even if it doesn’t seem that “more” can happen for us.

My question to myself today…and to you…is “what have I not dreamed of yet?”

If you have a vision board or practice affirmations then you likely have at least a vague picture of what your ultimate desires are.

But, what about exploring the “undreamed?”

Here I’ll talk about what I’m including into the big picture of what I know myself to be gravitating toward.

First, I have to acknowledge Margo Holder for the words of not just wisdom but adventure that she has always said to me when I’ve catastrophized about my life. Those words, “anything can happen.” The very essence of this concept is rooted in the quantum field of endless potential. Meaning it is entirely scientifically, mentally, emotionally, and realistically appropriate to BELIEVE THE BEST
& to open wide your nervous system to the exhilaration that can only be found in the willingness to indulge in adventure.

Things I’ve dreamed of:

1. Financial security that enables me to create multiple humanitarian organizations.

2. Wealth without work

3. Love without effort

4. Travel without restraint or restriction

I put absolutely NO cap on how outrageously above and beyond these particular things can be fulfilled. Multiple humanitarian organizations?? That’s likely going to be too small in comparison as to how that dream actually comes true.

I have become granular in my focus on how I want my life to look going forward.

But, what have I not dreamed of yet? What part of the human spectrum has my imagination not wandered yet?

It is the undreamed that I’m looking for today. The undreamed is ultimate human potential.

Just the thought of that inspires me. Just the thought of the undreamed…stirs up and engages my emotions. Emotions are the perfect catalyst. Emotions are the most raw, organic manifestation tools humanity posseses.

By the end of the day today I will have a list of new, fresh dreams I’ve not thought of yet. By the end of the day I will have expanded my vision. By the end of this day I will be gravitating toward “a new newness.” I will be moving into a more exotic, happier experience.

What about you? Of course you know what your predictable future is. Of course you know overall what you hope for your life.

But, tell me…what have you NOT dreamed of yet?

I really want to know.

Yours in the dreamscape,
Cozett Dunn

#cozettcontemplates #whatdreamsmaycome #dream #dreamitintoexistence #quantumfield #humanpotential #dreambigger #explore #travel #love

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Why I Became A Travel Agent: My Spiritual Awakening Account In Istanbul Airport

THIS. This is why being a travel agent is so important and meaningful for me.

Travel literally changed my life’s trajectory in ONE trip. I left #chattanooga, #tennessee and when I landed in #istanbul#turkiye…I had a massive, highly visible spiritual awakening in the MIDDLE of Istanbul airport.

I left Chattanooga as a woman who has had over a 20 year struggle with panic disorder and when I got inside of Istanbul airport, on my way to #antalya, Turkiye….I missed my flight.

Now, if you suffer from mental health issues you likely understand how a missed flight is a huge trigger in and of itself. But, let me show you the implications of this missed flight for me and the profound change that took place in me that upgraded my life for the better.

#1. I didn’t speak Turkish and the English on the airport signs wasn’t quite clear. For example, in the restrooms there were signs about conserving trees by using electric hand dryers at the sinks. They encouraged us to limit our paper use saying, “it isn’t good for the nature.” So, it was English but it took some piecing together to fully grasp the message being conveyed. And, when you are overcome with panic your brain is fogged up from adrenaline.

#2. The airport is massive. Larger than the #atlanta#hartsfieldjackson airport. And, I’m overweight and have short legs. So getting through the airport meant I had to move super fast. But, I had no idea where the gates were because I couldn’t understand the signage. So not only was my heart rate rocketing from being in panic but from moving as quickly as I could with a heavy duffle bag that had no wheels, a CPAP machine across my shoulder, a back pack, and a fanny pack. So, here was another trigger.

#3. I had used EVERY PENNY to my name to pay for this trip. I literally had $200.00 in my bank account to last me for 10 days in Turkey. I was at an all-inclusive resort Miracle Resort Hotel so meals were included thankfully. But, can you imagine being a single woman, with panic disorder, in a foreign country where you can’t undesrtand people and they can’t understand you and you are ALONE. I was over 8,000 miles away and dialing 911 or calling a friend or family member to help me wasn’t an option.

#4. The EVIL EYE 🧿– Turkish people believe it is bad luck to show distress. They believe it only attracts more problems. I had NO idea about this. I was walking back and forth through this massive airport, crying my eyes out and asking airport employees and strangers for help. ALL of them ran from me like I had leprosy! I thought, “what is with these people?? Why won’t they talk to me?? What about customer service??” Customer service agents were dismissing me because they didn’t want any part of my panicked energy. Here’s another trigger!

#5. One missed flight change can easily cost $200.00 or MORE and that was all the money I had. No credit cards, nothing. My ticket change cost $180.00. So I had $20.00 in case of an emergency for the next 10 days. Trigger!

#6. Depending on when I could catch another flight I wondered how long it would be and if I would have to spend the night in the airport. I had my CPAP machine on me but had left my power convertors in my luggage and again, I didn’t have enough money to buy one at the airport. I have severe central and obstructive sleep apnea. I had already gone 36 hours with NO sleep and was facing possibly not sleeping in the airport because I couldn’t use my CPAP machine. Trigger!!

#7. Shady airport employee- Finally, an airport employee had had enough of me asking him for help and walking from one end of the airport to the other crying. He came up to me and in a stern voice said, “FOLLOW ME.” I was relieved!! But, that relief was going to be temporary! He took me into some hallways where there were no people, led me back and forth through the airport, and I am certain because of him my ticket change had a tacked on fee for him because he spoke to the ticketing agent for me. The ticketing agent kept looking at him like he was asking him to do something he shouldn’t. Every time I opened my phone to call someone he would snap at me, “CLOSE IT! CLOSE IT!!” I was trying to Whatsapp someone so they could see him in case I got into trouble with him. Trigger!!

#8. At a security line- He stopped and put his hand up at me and leaned into my face and said, “I help you. Now…you help me.” He rubbed his fingers and thumb together signaling he wanted cash. I had NONE! I had $20.00 in my bank account. So, I cried and said, “I am so sorry I don’t have any money. I don’t have it. If I had it I would give it to you. I am grateful for your help. Please. I am so sorry.” Who would believe I had no money. An American doing international travel with NO money at all?? I wouldn’t have believe me either. He then led me to a counter.

#9- My heart medication- He then took me to another counter. I have no idea to this day the purpose of this counter. A lady was giving me a tag for the bags I was carrying but then the airport employee demanded that I open my duffle bag to be searched. In that bag I carried my beta blocker, Atenolol. I used it for panic disorder, and whenever I had episodes of tachycardia. He threatened to seize my medication. The lady at the counter looked at him confused. I begged, “no, this is “kalp” (heart in Turkish)” and pointed to my chest.” He finally relented and again sternly said, “FOLLOW ME!”

#10- A fated intervention- There was a young man from Marmaris, Turkey who was fluent in English. He heard me speaking English and in distress with the airport employees and came over immediately and began interpreting and telling them that was my heart medication and that they shouldn’t be searching my bags or seizing my medication. He asked me where I was going, so I told him Antalya. He said, “I’m from Marmaris and I think my gate will be near yours. I can help you.” The lady gave me a ticket (with no gate number still) and I’m not sure how he knew where to go, but he grabbed my duffle bag and said, “c’mon your gate is beside mine but we need to go quick because your flight is about to leave.” So we hustled to the gate and found a spot to sit down together. I told him I was so thankful he intervened because the male airport employee was asking me for money. The young man became very upset. He said, “this gives Turkey a bad name! People like this man! He’s terrible! He shouldn’t have done this. Please don’t think bad of Turkey because of him.” His kindness was salvific. I made my flight and that trip ended up being one of the BEST vacations I’ve ever had!

In the middle of all of these fears, with less resources for help than I’d ever had, I had to dig deep into the healing process I had been practicing 3 years prior to this trip. I had to lean into the fact that I had been doing neural integration to optimize my nervous system and increase my bandwidth for pressure and stress. I had to prove to myself that I believed the empowering words of my doctor friends back home, the words of my therapist, the philosophies I’d taken on from my favorite personal growth gurus.

I HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO BELIEVE IN MY BODY and it’s ability to be strong and not die from a heart attack or end up in a foreign hospital with panic and a racing heart. I had to believe that I had the inward power to control my mind so that my previous mental health issues wouldn’t put me in danger or ruin my trip.

This moment taught me how to connect to my body, believe in the fortitude of my mind, and embody adventure in the midst of catastrophe. This is why travel is so important to me. This is why I want to empower others to travel. I’ve not had one panic episode since this trip almost 3 years ago. I am stronger, happier, and more centered than I’ve ever been. And, I am here to help you create that reality for yourself…via travel.

Your trusty travel agent,

Cozett Dunn

For travel deals, perks and insider information on travel and to sign up to my free newsletter visit: www.cozettdunn.inteletravel.com

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Forward

I want to take my poetry world wide. I want to do book tours all over the globe and have opportunities to share my poetry on every continent. It’s all I think about these days. It is “the” hope that I hang on to. I envision a life where I can live my life….by living MY life. Not a corporate life, not a 1099 contractor life, not the typical American life.

I am not college educated unfortunately. I may eventually have a bachelor’s in psychology. But, beyond that because of my age and the fact that I am tapped out on student loan availability, it is highly unlikely I’ll have that accomplishment and the wage that a degree can ensure. I am almost 44. Child free and overweight as of right now. I have a fiancé. But, I’m not truly confident because I feel very insecure and even though I’ve told him how I need to be loved neither of us are confident he will be able to do that.

I am desperate to be financially independent. No degree, no 2nd income in my household. I feel hopeless. I feel afraid because I don’t have anything that can secure my future. If I stay in America I am bound to the wages of a high school graduate and I cannot work for myself doing real estate anymore because the toll it has taken on my mental health has..in many ways destroyed me. Even as I type this I am simultaneously worrying (which is work) about bizarre transactions and how to control the chaos and not be chewed out or threatened.

I’m tired but I have to be able to depend on my body to earn money according to the obligations and interests of someone with more money than myself. Dictates my chronically ill body is getting more difficult to fulfill as I age. Can anyone else out there relate to me? I feel alone.

My greatest gift, my greatest resource is my mind and my writing ability. It’s the one thing in this life I have that could potentially position me for security. I am tired of living under fear of eviction. I need more than I am able to physically produce. I need more than the wage of a high school graduate.

I have done all I can. Truly. All I can do now is keep writing, thinking, writing, thinking and pray that when I look up again my world will have changed and I will have a husband who burns to love me exactly the way I need. A man who promote my relaxation, security, and peace and not take it all away or even contribute to those things to begin with.

So, here I am on my free WordPress account. Typing out my thoughts, my woes, my poetry, my points. It is my form of preparation so that when opportunity arrives hopefully my one hope to be so famous as a writer and thinker that it can sustain me financially.

Right now I have a book I have finished. I have an appointment with an editor on Tuesday. Right now because I am on my cycle and my body hurts all over and I am so exhausted I feel doubtful it will end up betting published because I don’t know how to publish. I’ve tried to learn about and have played around on Kindle. But, I am seriously not smart when it comes to technology and formatting my writing.

I believe, ultimately, I am going forward. It’s just hard when my body feels the way it does.

My hope as I end 2022 is that in 2023 my fiancé can love me the way I need, my book will be published in both the USA and India, and that I will finally come into financial security. Do I want to be rich? Very much. Because I am so tired of being poor. I can hardly afford being a single woman with a cat and I am VERY low maintenance. I get my hair done. That’s it. No nails, lashes, Botox, shoe obsession, purse obsession, jewelry obsession, perfume, makeup….you get the picture. I drive my cousin’s car because I lost mine due to gas prices several months ago.

I need out. The only way out is if I can write my way. I will give it all I’ve got. I am so ready for 2022 to be over. I need next year to be my year. I need it. I want it for me and my cat and my cousin. By the end of the year or at least early next year I plan on resigning my real estate license. I would rather work at a gas station then look at or talk about real estate, houses, or contracts ever again. It’s a toxic industry. I’ve missed years upon years of family events, fun with friends and for what? For people who treat me unkindly and for a career that hasn’t allowed me a non-working vacation since 2011? Sorry. But, I’m saying it. FUCK that shit. FUCK it. It’s not me and I’m at the end of my rope with it. I’m done. I cannot wait to change my phone number. I cannot wait to delete my email address or cancel it or whatever. I can’t wait to announce on my social media that I am no longer in the industry. I can’t wait to be me. I can’t wait to feel free. I can’t wait to move out of this area and hopefully out of the country, at least for a while.

I have my eye on India. Whether me and my fiancé work out or not I plan on spending some months there in peace and quiet and not be fucking bothered by real estate or people who wish to drain my energy period. I need a fresh start. And I may be broke. But, I will start fresh even if I am broke. I’m not stopping, hesitating, or halting. I am done.

So, as I lay here I have no idea who will read this. If anyone will read this. But, anyway, here I am. And there…I will be.

Cheers,

Cozett

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I Have To Move Forward

I’m lying in bed in my dimly lit room from the light of my Himalayan salt lamp.  It’s dark and quiet in my apartment.  I can hear the low hum of my ceiling fan.  Tamber is curled into my chest and arm.  I feel the soft vibrations of her purr.  I’m alone with my cat. No one can see me.  This is a mental snapshot I’m taking because I want to remember the peace and the visual.  The sounds and the feelings.  I need many more moments like this.

I love the obscurity of this picture.   It represents more than just this moment.  It represents where I am at in my life at this point.

Everything is so obscure right now.  I don’t know what the future holds and I kind of feel in the dark.  I’m about to make some major changes and while I don’t quite know what they will look like….I can say this:

Just like in this dark obscure picture where you can make out the soft form of my sweet cat and just like you can feel the peace and calm energy of this post (hopefully) there is something taking shape.

Something soft and comforting after a lifetime of hardness, and fear, and anxiety and disappointment.  I can’t fully see it.  But, I can feel it.  I sense it taking shape.  Some kinder and gentler time on the horizon (I hope).

I hear the low hum of its build and I feel the soft purr of it coming alive.  I await eagerly but patiently.  Please God.. please let 2023 be my year.  The year that I move forward in every imaginable way in every arena I wish to find myself.  The year that I have my very own song of freedom and never look back.

I promise to go forth with full throated and robust courage.  I promise that once opportunity finds my preparation that I will leap with every fiber of my being even if I don’t know where I will land.  I swear I will.

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