Lying in the silence. All is black around me save my phone and wifi light. And all I can think about is how my mother’s death is stirring in me an even greater fire and resolve to be living light. I want my light to shine into the cosmos and to be a home to every human without exception.
I want to be….wide, long, deep, tall, ever expanding light, warmth, and peace and safety.
I want my table to extend into the nations.
Where there is light people feel seen, where there is light there is clarity, there is life, there is strength, and hope.
In a world filled with humans who despise what they don’t get, fear what they can’t understand, and murder either with their thoughts or hands those who are divergent…..I want to be different.
Love is beautiful anarchy
Light is the epitome of rebellion against darkened understanding
Brilliant bright light so the world can see Recklessly loving us all into anarchy
While the planet is threshed wheat from tare I’ll gather and glean to me those in despair
It is enough for those standing accepted in the sun To carry the status of a chosen one
I’ll cast my lot with the vagabond parade I vomit at the charity of pretentious charade
Babylon, Babylon, can’t you see she’s imploding? Or are your ears deafened from your own gloating?
Superiority, elitism, white washed graves Their throats lie open like wilderness caves
But they won’t catch me or mine Unbeknownst to them we are made of brine
You…yes you. And I. As long as we are in this body we will be both darkness and light. The intensity of the darkness and light will fluctuate in intensity as we journey. That is because none of us are static. We are not fixed beings.
I don’t care how much work Jesus does in you. I don’t care how much inner work you do. How much space you hold. How many vices you conquer. You will NOT take your last breath in a state of 100% virtue.
Since that’s the case…why are we so freaking uncomfortable when we see both darkness and light in another person?
I am convinced if we are ever going to attain the pinnacle of what is possible for existence in a flesh suit…then we have to embrace non-dualism and surrender any inclinations we may have in whipping morality or high ideals into the people around us.
Morality, love, virtue…these are things that laws cannot create.
Why do I want to be a good person? It’s not because of my fear of being locked up or penalized if I don’t meet someone else’s expectations and measure up to their ideals.
It’s because I am inspired by the behavior of other good people. Not because there is a cop, a preacher, a sheikh, a Buddha or some other moral “authority” looming large over me.
When I see good and it’s impact…it’s the example not the threat that provokes me to aspire to do and be better.
I promise you this. Your light makes people jealous. Your darkness makes people want to capitalize on your weakness so that they appear more blameless.
Either way you go….you are going to make someone uncomfortable. You are going to make someone mad. You are going to encounter jealousy.
And, when you are comfortable letting other people see….really really see your nature that is both dark and light it will either push them out of your life because they haven’t grown to a point they are able to accommodate the grandness and the mystery that is you OR it will draw them into a place where they can FINALLY love and accept themselves and get unstuck in life.
The greatest gift we can give someone else is love. And, love is so much more expansive than we give it credit for.
I heard a quote recently from Hamlet. “There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.”
None of us have a monopoly on the understanding of the profundity and full implication of love.
Love is an ever unfolding multiverse in and of itself. The bounds of it can’t be found. So why do we want to bind people to what we should acknowledge is a limited and flawed philosophy of love?
I am pro human. I love and embrace your humanity. It is no threat to me. I celebrate the nuanced picture I am able to see of you. We all have non-congruent qualities. For many people….recognizing non-congruent qualities in another person often is taken as a red flag. But, the majority of the time there is no reason for that. It is a survival instinct. It is a base instinct.
All my life I have felt like someone on the outside of life looking in at everyone else. I have tons of non-congruent qualities. Sometimes that bothers me (particularly if I’ve spent any time around people who are naturally critical and easily offended.) Other times these qualities are a comfort for me, things that amuse me about myself that puts a sparkle in my eyes because I find myself so funny for holding so much darkness and light at the same time.
I am so tired of living life on the auto pilot that is political correctness. I am over living my life in fawn mode with a false sense of guilt over religious expectations. I will never be completely virtuous. And, you won’t either.
I will continue to live my life inspired and called by goodness rather than in mindless reaction to fear of chastisement. There is no fear in love right?
My greatest desire in life is to empower and encourage people to be who they are authentically without fear of some sort of being exiled for being who they are. Got darkness? Great!! Me too!! Got light?? Awesome!! Shine with me?? Let’s prove to the world that we are inherently both and that IS inherently ok.
This evening in my meditation I found myself gently rolling my head. Clockwise, then counter clockwise. My mind was clear. The movement felt good for my tense neck and shoulders. There were a few moments that as I moved, my movements reminded me of a snake. In fact, when it first occurred to me, the word, “serpent” popped into my head. Creepy right?? But, what if its not creepy at all?
I began to journal. Honestly, I wanted to push the notion of identification with a serpent out of my head and focus on other things. I’ve been thinking lately about the concept of dualistic thinking. This box so many of us operate in. It’s a framework that says life is “us vs them” with comfort coming from feeling like one is a part of an inner circle. Once that is sensed their is a deceptive reassurance that one’s thoughts are all correct and that person feels justified and vindicated in thinking those outside are wrong.
My context: I am a white, middle-aged, southeastern American woman born in a small town and into a southern American Christian world. So, the value I ascribe to certain symbols are different than say a middle-eastern man or south African woman. If you share my context you will likely have already picked up on and experienced a sense of discomfort or unease or morbid curiosity when you saw the title of this blog and the reference of identifying with a serpent. Why? Because in my culture that is colored by the Christian Bible and the fact that we claim a savior who was Jewish our minds immediately refer to the negative connotations of the serpent in the Bible. From Genesis to Revelation the snake is given a bad rap. Really bad. In fact its image often represents Satan. The ultimate adversary of God and tormentor of humankind. In Genesis there is a prophecy that the offspring of Eve will bruise or crush the head of the serpent. We understand that offspring to be Jesus Christ and the serpent the devil. Only twice in scripture is the serpent presented in positive light. In Genesis the serpent is called, “more crafty, intelligent, cunning than any beast” and again while the children of Israel were wandering in the desert looking for the promised land there is an instance where “fiery serpents” entered the camps and killed and made sick many people. In order for them to be healed from this attack they were instructed to look upon the image of a serpent that had been crafted from brass. Needless to say I grabbed onto the positive symbology. More importantly…I allowed my mind to explore the biological characteristics of snakes. I’m very blessed to have done so and here’s why:
Growth-when it comes to growth in humans or animals the visual of that is so subtle you really can’t see it happening. Except when it comes snakes. The growth of a snake involves shedding it’s skin and that is something everyone can see. Can you imagine your skin coming off every time you have a revelation, make a good choice, learn something new or celebrate another birthday? Awkward. Scary looking. Startling. Right? Additionally, it puts the snake in a very vulnerable position. But growth spurts do that to us too right? It usually isn’t pretty when we shed old ideals, behaviors, patterns, etc.
Right before the serpent enters it’s first scene in the Bible where it is cursed for cajoling the woman into eating forbidden fruit that her eyes may be opened to the reality of evil as well as good, it receives a rave review. It is said to be the most crafty and intelligent and cunning animal elevating it’s intelligence above all other beasts. To me this is very moving. My childhood and adolescence held a running theme where my intelligence was constantly questioned. When I got in trouble the first words I heard from my grandfather was, “stupid, silly damn thing.” My grandmother’s words were a little less harsh. She would immediately say something to the effect of, “well you should have KNOWN better.” Because, all kids come automatically knowing right? And finally during the times when my mother orbited my life and we fought she would always say, “you’re not even old enough to have an opinion. You have no idea.” Now as an adult I find myself in a pursuit to be one of the greatest minds in history. Yeah, I know. My ability to “correctly” perceive and righteously act has hijacked the relaxation and fun and ignorant bliss I could have experienced thus far. I developed this obsessive umpire in my mind. Every moment of everyday I have discovered that I am judging each moment as either good or bad and I’ve robbed myself of simply being.
Had I never known this context I have found myself in, a white, southern Christian woman, I may have been conditioned and introduced to the imagery of the snake as the epitome of wisdom, a master of growth, a symbol of success, a representation of healthy sexuality, an expert hunter.
As I allowed my mind to open to these truths and additional meanings I began to feel a sense of pride rather than unease. I am…wise. I am one who is always growing and requiring more of myself and determined to stretch. I aspire to be a symbol of success, one with healthy sexuality and an expert hunter or provider for myself. I am serpent-like. My nimble movement inspires.
As a psychology student, an empathic person and aspiring professional counselor it is important to me to be relatable. I want people to feel open to me. And, I feel like one of the greatest medicines or gifts I can offer to myself…is healing my symbology. I want to take all the disowned and shamed symbols and revive them. I want to give them new meaning and the place of honor they deserve. On a practical level I want to not immediately have a negative connotation of someone who perhaps loves snakes or brings up dreams about morphing into a snake in their dreams during a counseling session. Healing my “seeing” better ensures my ability to be an agent of healing in the lives of others.
This year I have plans of shedding life-long patterns. And, I’m going to be honest and warn you. If you know me well, if you follow me on social media there are going to be times my shedding is visible. And, that may look weird or make you uncomfortable. But, I am determined to stretch. I am determined to enjoy the feel of a new skin. One that is more pliable and more suited to the joys of experiencing growth.
So, starting off 2020 I’ve healed at least one symbol and made new room in my mind and heart to better understand the world around me.
The Catalyst 
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