On the path of self-actualization we understand that we are striving to be better.  In that pursuit of betterment its common to reference the past.  After all, this is from where we grow.  Our past, good or bad or indifferent serves as a springboard or a contrast.  It can show us who we no longer want to be and the emotional charge we have when we think about it can create the momentum needed to make progress toward actualizing.

As someone who is known as a listener I can think of basically three narratives I’ve heard concerning people’s past and how it shapes what they want for their future.  The classic “bad” past, where pain functions as the prompt to betterment.  We see this in a lot of famous motivational and inspirational speakers.  The “good” past, where someone was fortunate enough to be born into a family or tradition that was conducive for growth and that person is so inspired by their forebears they want to build on the legacy they’ve been left.  And, the “indifferent” past.  Basically, its colorless.  Normal ups and downs.  But, the person feels that due to the lack of intensity in either direction they are somehow at a disadvantage to leave their mark on the world.  And, so they are in a search for passion, purpose and meaning.

Recently, I’m thankful to have been experiencing profound growth.  My character has been tested.  My understanding of the world around me has grown.  My emotions have been pummeled.  The very foundations of “why” I think the way I do are being shaken.  I’m growing.  I’m moving toward betterment and away from deleterious thinking and behavior.  And, now that I’m beginning to see a definite chasm between who I once was and who I’d like to think I am becoming I’ve noticed that my past is coming up seemingly out of the blue.  Its as though its emerging from the recesses of me and saying, “remember me.  I need help too.  Please don’t forget I am part of your healing journey.  I, your past, am not some character that deserves to be quarantined.  I was once you.  And, because of that I also deserve all the health that you are creating for the new you.”

Deep right?  Painful?  Wow.  So much.  Thankfully, about the time my past started stirring in my consciousness so did this theme of “compassion as medicine.”  When I saw these two things emerging together I knew it was time to examine some of my behaviors and thinking from the past but not for the purpose of crucifying myself in some grand effort to be a better person.  I intuitively understood that for me to forge ahead into this bright future I’m hoping for myself that I needed to, for the first time, show compassion and minister mercy to who I once was.

In thinking about healing from the past I discovered that I was presenting myself with only two options: “killing” the old me or coping better.  Maybe you can identify with this?  There are more options.  Better options.  I think its safe to say that many people who feel bound by the past often want that part of them or that part of their history to “die.”  But, that isn’t a great option.  Death is indicative of numbness and unfeeling.  A sense of non-existence.  But, I submit that feeling…deeply and intentionally and comprehensively could be a portal of sorts to freedom and growth.  I want to challenge anyone who reads this…not to numb out.  Your emotions are sacred.  Your intuition is more trustworthy than you give it credit for and I believe it is in the feeling “through” that our true north can be found.  Now, with that said don’t beat yourself for wanting to numb out!

I believe that in an effort to mute pain and to lend strength to the momentum of who we are becoming our wounded egos can sometimes cause us to segue to an unproductive mindset that says, “the new me, the stronger and better me must rush in and bitterly scourge my past self if the better me I’m becoming is to be valid.”  This is actually quite common amongst deeply religious people.  Those who feel they are on the highest quest to express their need for redemption are often the worst in their tendency to mutilate their inner being.  When really their greatest need is healing.   In my own experience I’ve discovered that this rush to scourge and chastise the past part of me was/is an effort to create peace and closure.  Sounds counter-productive because it is!  Once I recognized this I gave myself permission to not only feel through my past (notice I didn’t say “think through”) but to honor who I was at one time.  This is very healing.  Highly recommend it.  At the end of the day we each make decisions based on our current state of enlightenment, education, emotional maturity, needs, and circumstances.  And, I happen to naturally believe the best about people so I believe that we are all doing the best we can with what we have.  Negative emotions of depression, anxiety, or regret do NOT carry the innate ability to compensate for a painful past.  They only create a vicious cycle of self-defeating and self-sabotaging patterns.

If we want to honestly prime ourselves and position ourselves to be better its time to release the habit of going to dark places when striving for the light.  Read that again, please? Its time to relearn how to do this thing called life.  If you are a self-aware person you’ll know your patterns.  And, I want to encourage you to start intentionally swapping negative mindsets and emotions for more life-giving ones.  Give yourself time to feel through the past and the permission to honor who you once were.  Just as you would honor the dearly departed and imperfect people who have been a part of your life you should also do this for yourself.  It is a healing balm.  And, as of now, what I believe the higher way to heal the past.

Here’s to the medicine of compassion.  Salut.